1 year, 4 months and counting.....

So it's been about 1 year and 4 months since my last relationship officially ended. In all honesty, I didn't think that I'd be single for half as long as I have been....I had way too many "options" and too many men lined up. Quickly after I ended things with my ex, I dated....kind of a lot(I would go out with a guy at least once or twice a week,EVERY week) and so I thought I'd be "wifed up" by now,for sure....not the case. In the midst of my trying to fill a void that up until this point, I failed to admit(to even myself) was there,and searching for validation(through these guys)to prove to myself that "I" wasn't the fact that things went wrong, ect. I felt empty. I felt that every time the night would end,whether I had an amazing or mediocre time, I felt so unfulfilled...so unfed,so empty.....so ALONE. I've know for years that I can't have sex with a man, if I don't feel connected with him,PAST a physical attraction, so I havent.... and that just because I DO feel the connection I seek in a man, upon FIRST meeting him, doesn't mean that I will bone him either. I came to the conclusion that what I was seeking in these men was something that I,as a woman,should be able to find in MYSELF: happiness,comfort,support and most importantly:LOVE. When I finally admitted that I was searching for someone else to give me what I hadn't even given MYSELF, I pretty much cut guys off,all together. I decided that I would learn what made me "tick",my likes/dislikes,what made me happy,ect. I know that to truly be happy with someone ELSE, you have to be happy with YOURSELF. It's kind of hard when you devote yourself to a relationship and NOTHING makes you happier than making the person you are with happy. THEIR happiness becomes YOURS, and when things don't go as planned and you guys break up, you feel lost,empty,like half of you is gone, like you've lost sight of who YOU are and what TRULY makes you happy. I guess that was the case with me.It's funny and kind of ironic that I smile a solid 90% of my day,EVERY DAY. I will literally FIND something to smile about,even when I'm crying inside.I've honestly grown soooooo much as a person/woman since things ended with my ex,it's amazing. If the person I am today, met the person I was back then, I wouldn't know who I was.I've learned myself,I've figured myself out, I've learned what I want and what I DON'T want in a man/relationship.I've re-evaluated some things,I've changed some,too. Looking back, I STILL don't understand/know how or WHY I dealt with half of what I dealt with...it makes no sense to me at all.I guess we have to get through certain situations to learn/realize how much MORE there is to life.All in all, being single for all of this time has been pretty cool,I guess but also VERY challenging at times. I miss the "gay" cupcake-ish things that go along with being in a relationship: pillow-talk,cooking,going to sleep with/waking up to someone,coming home to someone,movie night, the "I miss you" text messages,and all that other gay shit that I live for in a relationship. I'm doing good though. I'm single and I'm okay with that. It's about to be 2011 and one of my goals is to give people a chance....wait, let me change that. My goal is to give MYSELF a chance;a chance to be happy,and appreciated,and liked...maybe even loved. Im gunna stop stopping myself from allowing myself to be happy. I want to be happy. I DESERVE to be happy.