2010....in Retrospect

In 2010, I cried,I laughed,I fell down & got back up,I loved and almost hated,I messed up & made a mends,I took people for granted & appreciated,I gave & I lost,I made some of the BEST and hardest decisions I've ever had to, I've held on to people & let go of others 2010 has been one of the best years of my life. I've grown so much in this year and can HONESTLY say I have no regrets. This was a year of me "going with the flow of things" instead of over thinking things. I've been VERY blessed, and I have NO regrets for this year. I appreciate every tear I shed, for every time I felt like giving up and didn't, for every morning I didn't feel like getting out of bed but DID,for every time I chose to take the high road and be the "bigger" person,for moving forward with my makeup thing,forspeaking up for myself,for having fun,for being accepting,for striving to be the best example for my son,for saving face and staying strond,for every time I laughed and every time I cried.....I'M GRATEFUL. I decided NOT to come up with a list of New Year's resolutions. Instead of a LIST, I have just one: To follow my heart. In ANY and EVERY situation, FOLLOW MY HEART.If it feels right,do it......PERIOD. I tend to OVER think things, and sometimes my THINKING over shadows my FEELINGS. I literally think away my feelings/emotions on a lot of things/in a lot of situations.I'm a "thinker" and if something doesn't make sense "on paper" I go othe other way, instead of taking a chance. I will be 25 in a matter of months....it's time to start living(like REALLY living),having fun,living in the moment/FOR the moment(not all the time though, cus that shit can get crazy...see?I'm thinking,again...lol/smh) taking chances,ect. I'm ready to L-I-V-E. I have a lot of things planned for next year/ a LOT of hopes. I'm excited to see what this year will bring, in EVERY aspect of my life....there are some minor details in my life I DO plan on changing, but we shall see. Thank You 2010 for showing me so much love and making so many things happen to/for me.I'm grateful and I know 2011 will be EPIC.
Cheers to 2010 & Big Ups to 2011

-J Bellz

REALITY check....Please

Okay, so I want to discuss the ability/INability to seperate LOGIC from EMOTION.Some people are walking through life CONFUSED. SOME people seem to think that BONING someone is the equivalent to being in a RELATIONSHIP.

MOST of these confused-ass people are females. I'm sooo NOT saying that men DON'T do it,but women are definitely far more guilty of it due to our emotional nature...I THINK that's why,at least.But, let me break a few things down that I've seen/heard/LEARNED over the years.

First, I wanna address the "fuck buddy"/friends with "benefits" issue first. Okay...having sex and hanging out with a man occasionally doesn't mean he's your "boyfriend" or that you are his "girlfriend" nor are you entitled to any boyfriend/girlfriend treatment. A relationship only exists when BOTH parties involved have a mutual understanding/agreement that that's what they BOTH want/have. If you're allowing a guy an all access pass to your lady parts,you have to set the standard of what you're gunna accept from him/know what you're dealing with.IF you're perfectly fine with giving a man who is NOT YOUR man,a free coupon to your all you can eat buffet,so be it(please use protection though, who know's who else he's dealing with)If you have allowed your emotions to get involved, you might(definitely) want to make sure, he's on the same page as you.

Another thing: If there is never an agreement reached that you guys are in a relationship,it's NOT a relationship! Regardless of how long he's been smashing you,no matter how many pairs of j's you've bought him,ect. THAT man is NOT YOUR man. Soooooo, you DON'T have the right to:
1.Question him regarding his whereabouts
2.get mad at him for not answering his phone/returning your calls in a timely manner
3.accuse him of "cheating" on you...lol
4.be upset if/when he flirts with,or even BONES some other chick
5. expect him to care about your feelings if you find out about it

Those ar just a few, but I'm sure you get my point.Don't just ASSUME your role in a man's life,step paway from your emotions and analyze the situation-KNOW(NOT assume) where you stand! Once you know that,either get comfortable in THAT position and sit down and take your seat,or walk away and find someone who gives a damn about your vagina AND your feelings and is willing to give you want and deserve.If you ever feel like a man is "playing" you and you feel the urge to call him an asshole or whatever,ask yourself if you allowed any of it by continuing to deal with him and his "asshole" behavior.If you have, then you need to point the finger at YOURSELF-you're the asshole for accepting less than your worth when deep inside you knew better(we ALWAYS know better...smh)Just because a man isn't ready to settle down doesn't make him an asshole.Now if he lied to you or misled you, than YES, he's an asshole(unless he did it more than once-you should be on your toes at that point).But if you saw red flags and ignored them any ways,YOU are the one to blame.Most of the time, a female will get mad at a guy for "doing them wrong" because their feelings are hurt,so instinctively, they(we) just get upset. But maybe she should pump her brakes,recall his "track" record,remember her title/place and realize that the person she needs to be upset with is herself. I know this situation all too well. In my last relationship, my bf at the time, put me through a LOT of shit. We were CONSTANTLY into it about "this bitch" or "that bitch" or why he lied about this or that,ect. So one day, I was just fed up and i "Broke up with him". I used the quotes, because I didnt really break up with him as in REALLY ending things, I simply said to him"I don't wanna do this anymore....I CANT do this anymore, so I'm not.....DO YOU"..... we had sex twice that night(lol) and the next day, I got a call from a friend, saying she saw him at "OUR" movie theatre with some breezy. I call him...VOICEMAIL. I get a text right after I called him saying "I'm at the group home(he worked at a group home), talking to my supervisor, I'll call you when he leaves" I was LIVID, I was seeing red. I could not wait to "bust him out" An hour later, he calls. I don't answer. He calls again, I don't answer. So he keeps calling and I didnt answer...I couldnt answer, what I needed to say needed to be said in person,face to face. He comes home, yelling at me about not answering MY fucking phone(nigga what??) so I ask him,FLAT out "Who were you at the movies with" he lied about the whole thing and I go OFF. I'm telling him how I dont deserve that, how I can do so much better, how I cant believe he would do that to me and make me look stupid in front of my friends,ect. Then, as I was yelling, he grabbed me and looked me straight in the eye and yelled "But, Im not your boyfreeeeeeiiiiiiinnnnnnddddddd!!!" he said some other shit about how I broke up with him, blah,blah,bla. But "I'm not your boyfriend" was all I heard and those words cut like a knife. I felt so dumb. I had said it was over, before I REALLY wanted it to be and I confused my fucking him that night with us getting back together....I played MYSELF.

Sex is a BIG thing for (most) females, and that's why when we bone someone, we feel like we're giving them the world....we're giving OUR world. I'm not built for a flat out "fuck buddy" situation. I'm very picky about who I give my goods to, and I know my goods are far too good to be given without a commitment. My motto is and has always been: If I fuck u, I OWN you...lol. It's that simple...lol

Sex is such a big thing to females, but a lot of them use no discression as to who they give their goods too, and a lot of them feel like they can change a man THROUGH sex, you may change him while he's in it, but a man is going to be a man,regardless. If a female enables a man to be an "asshole" by constantly forgiving him or choosing to look past certain things,that's HER fault.You can call him trifling or you can call yourself a fool,but which one REALLY makes sense? Okay then.

The bottom line is if you're NOT his "girlfriend" then don't expect much in terms of respect or common courtesy. You simply aren't entitled to those things if the main purpose you serve in his life is to be a warm and cozy place for him to park his dick in, from time to time, whenever he HAS time/feels like it.Bottom line: There are far too many fich in the sea for ANY woman to settle for anything less than what she is worth/desires. If all YOU want is a fuckbuddy, do YOU, by all means, but if you want something meaningful, keep your legs closed until you have an agreement. Not saying that by NOT giving up the goods, will higher ur chances of having a REAL relationship(well, I guess I kinda AM saying that...lol) but at leass, at the end of the day, you won't be left high and dry(and having to add another name to your list of sex partners) because you gave in,BEFORE any level of respect was established. I'm just saying....you may agree with me 110% OR you may be in denial and are against EVERYTHING I'm saying.....either way, by all means, DO YOU!

Allow me to RE-introduce myself...

So, the year is almost at it's end and there are some things that I want to share/get off of my chest(and into the atmosphere). Nothing too juicy, just a little more of myself(wait, but I AM quite juicy...never mind....Different post)This is Part 1 of a 3-Part post that I want to do,To kind of, give you a better understanding of ME. I get people who tell me ALL the time how "strong" I am. I AM strong, but I wasn't always like this There are MANY things that I feel have contributed to my strength,ESPECIALLY this year.

First thing's first: I created a blog,which I'm so proud of. Anyone who knows me, knows that for me, it's ALWAYS been easier for me to WRITE my feelings, as oppose to SPEAK them. And whats more, for me to actually EXPRESS my feelings in any way, to anyone OTHER than God, is HUGE, in itself.

Now to the "shoulda,coulda,woulda's: This blog should have been created 4 years ago....Pros: I was 20 years old,127 pounds,had so much MORE to say,so much more time to dedicate to it.and I was fucking FABULOUS. I slept 3 hours a night,did WHATEVER I wanted,SAID whatever I wanted,WHENEVER I wanted, It was all about me-me-me and I didnt make time for anyone who didn't act accordingly. I shopped,went out when I wanted to, had a huge circle of friends who were just as blissfully naive as I was,I ate whatever I wanted and maintained a 6-pack that (at the time) could give Ciara a run for her money,I could do cartwheels in heels and could run an 8-minute mile effortlessly.I didn't care about anything, or anyone(it wasnt as bad as it sounds, I promise)....in short, I was Kanye West circa 2009...a douchebag,if you will...much too selfish,jaded,and unfocused to do anything but self-destruct....5-4-3-2-1....BOOM (literally) I got knocked up....by my "High School Sweetheart" the man I planned to marry,ect.(what a douchebag HE turned out to be...smh) and in a matter of what seemed like milliseconds, I went from eyeliner to eyedrops, from nail files to nail clippers,from going out to staying in,from a size 0/1 to a size 4(or 5, depending on the brand). Life has CHANGED. I now share my C.O. Bigelow Lip Balm with a male,rambunctious mini-me.It's a happy marriage of BeBe and Bob The Builder......4 years in, and I would do it ALL over again. I've changed...boy have I changed, and I ADORE the woman I've become.She is strong,independent,caring,loving,understanding,nurturing,patient,and a M.I.L.F for SURE.The best part of my journey has been finding the medium between my FORMER self and my PRESENT self. I may not dance under flashing lights anymore, but I dance to Coldplay with my son in the kitchen. I may not go to clubs, but I have just as much fun at the park, I've given up late-nights for early-mornings and I can take a THOROUGH shower in 3 minutes flat. I've learned so much.

I guess the point of this specific post is just to say that there is no specific "formula" or "blueprint" for life, and the more you plan,the harder it will be to accept life, when things DONT go as planned. I didn't know EXACTLY how I wanted my life to be, BUT I had an idea.....and having a kid was NOWHERE on my agenda (I NEVER wanted to have kids) but a higher power had a plan that was different from what I thought things would have been. I've made a lot of bad decisions in my day, but, I think I've made a LOT more "RIGHT" decisions and I think that my life is reflective of that.

I'm not one of those people that will tell you to "go in order" or "eat all of your veggies"...and that's NOT because my life is upside down or that I loathe all green foods outside of sushi rolls-it's simply just not reality and more importantly, I just hate self righteous folk(who most of the time are the biggest Skank/Slutts, on the low,anyways) My "basic" rules for life are:

1. Don't ever do shady shit on purpose(and if you do, ALWAYS own it and apologize)
2.Don't burn bridges over dumb shit
3.Suck,Never chew
4.Avoid boot cut jeans
5.White rimmed sunglasses are NEVER ok
6.Wash your hands as soon as you get home(and KEEP hand sanitizer on deck)
7.Don't say ANYTHING to your child that you wouldnt wanna hear them say back to you
8.Don't think away your emotions
9.NEVER question how you're gunna do something.God will NEVER give you more than you can handle(I'm living proof of that) just have faith that God WILL make a way(he always does) and don't be scared to trust him...u have to have faith and you can't have fear AND faith...pick one
10.Treat others the way you would want to be treated.....PERIOD.

.....so if you're looking for empowerment and "something deep"..please click away now..it's just my thoughts...just my thoughts (Hov's voice)

Once a Cheat, ALWAYS a Cheat??

As I was driving this morning, I was listening to Ryan Seacrest on the radio(DON'T judge me...lol) and a woman called into the station for some relationship advice. Apparently, she had been married for the past 9 years to a man she really loved,BUT also a man whom early on in the relationship had cheated on her.She was saying how she "forgave" him and how they had "gotten past it",BUT the same feeling that she had before(about his infidelity) had returned and she didnt know whether to investigate or just try to shake the feeling. She was kind of investigating, out of fear of what she "may" find, BUT it's such a nagging feeling that she doesn't think that she will be able to shake it.Ryan asked people to call in and give advice too the woman who was seeking advice and to give their personal thoughts on the old saying "Once a cheater,ALWAYS a cheater" It was so shocking to hear all of what people had to say(BOTH men and women) there were A LOT of men who chimmed in on this topic and said that YES,they DO feel like it's true "Once a cheater,ALWAYS a cheater" I was so surprised, but also VERY refreshed to hear MEN say it.Of corse,most of the female callers had the same opinion. MY personal belief is that just because a person (male OR female) cheat once, or even twice, does not necessarily mean that they will ALWAYS cheat. There is ALWAYS that 50/50 chance. I don't think a person should be written off just because they fucked up. I have had my experience with a cheating boyfriend who I loved and knew that regardless of what he may have done, he loved me too, so I tried to "get passed" it, and I convinced myself that I could forgive and forget. I can honestly say that I forgave him,but, I never FORGOT about it, and that was ultimately what did us in. I loved him, and I wanted to just forget the whole cheating thing ever happend but my heart couldn't and because I chose to stay with someone who had cheated on me, I feel like I became a person that I'm not/wasn't. I became VERY insecure,VERY suspicious,VERY skeptical of everything he told me......it just became a fucked up situation, because he had "broken us" and the "trust" that I thought we had built.I regret ever giving that situation a second chance because at the end of it all, the NEGATIVE outweighed the POSITIVE by a long shot. All in all, I think everyone is different (in BOTH sides of the equation) I don't it's fair to s ay that because a person made a "mistake" once, that he or she will continue to make that same mistake....BUT in a given situation, the person at the recieving end of the dishonesty has to make a choice. It's not impossible to get past infidelity, it just takes a VERY strong person to HONESTLY and whole-heartedly get pa st it and forgive. My position in this, is that now, if a guy cheats, it's a wrap. I'm no longer giving second chances and trying to forgive something that shouldn't have n=been done in the first place.Cheating is more than sex;it's a lie;a breach in contract;the breaking of trust, and THAT'S what I (and so many other people) can't get past. The fact that no matter how you cut the cake, you LIED to ME(someone who you claim to love and care about) for the likes of "her"(someone who you just want to bone) and didn't think anything of it. That's a hard pill to swallow. NO woman wants to feel like another woman is better for her man or that their man even THINKS about other women,let alone would lie to us just for a quickie with some bum-bitch. That's an irreversible blow to our ego that we will NEVER let you live down...that's just what it is. Moral to this post is that I,personally don't buy into the whole "Once a cheat,ALWAYS a cheat" mentality because people change and they also learn from their mistakes. Anyone you deal with,you are taking a chance of being cheated on....if and when it happens, YOU have to decide the next move....choose wisely;its VERY hard to bounce back to the way things were before,AFTER he's cheated. I've been there and done that,and based on THAT situation have decided that if I am ever cheated on again, I will not try to "fix" what has already been broken....it takes too much.But, to each his own, and if you feel like giving a second chance would be worth it,OR if you are not ready to give up on things, by all means, WORK THAT SHIT OUT, BUT also,recognize that since he or she has ALREADY cheated on you, the chances that he or she will do it again almost double. Love is a gamble....sometimes you just have to figure out who's worth betting on.

Hey ladies!

So, I saw this post on the lovely "Jo Make Me Blush" blog and thought it would be fun to do! Thanks doll ;) Please feel free to join with us and post this tag too!

1. Do you apply your foundation with a brush, sponge, or fingers?
It all depends on the TYPE of foundation/coverage I'm looking for ohat specific day.I use my foundation BRUSH when I have a lot of time to do my makeup/am going out. But on a day to day, I use disposable sponges. I only use them ONCE because they ARE sponges,afterall, and collect bacteria and germs which can mean MAJOR breakouts.

2. Do you apply your eyeshadow from light to dark? or dark to light?
Typically, light to dark.

3. Do you prime your eyes?
I ALWAYS prime my eyes.I use Urban Decay Primer Potion,Too-Faced Eyeshadow insurance or NYX primer pot.

4. Concealer first, or after foundation?
I use it AFTER I apply my foundation.

5. Go for manicures, or manicure yourself?
I def GO for them. I'm no good at stuff like that, AND I love to be pampered =0)
6. Exfoliate lips, face or both?
I've only exfoliated my face, never knew to exfoliate my lips...how do you even do that!?!?! lol
7. On average, how long does it take you to do your makeup?
I can do my basic makeup in 10 mins(brows,mascara,powder.blush)BUT if I'm doing EVERYTHING(shadow,contouring,ect) it takes 20-25

8. Do you wear makeup everyday and everywhere?
I usually wear makeup everyday and always go with a tinted moisturizer or powder if I choose to wear no makeup.

9. What release are you most excited about? (Makeup)
I'm excited about MAC'S "Tartan Tale" collection...the colors are super pigmented and compliment eachother sooooo well.

10. What's your weakness? Shoes, purses, clothes, jewelry, eyeshadow, lipstick or other?
ALL, plus plus plus!

11. Do you whiten your tan?
No need...lol

12. Wax eyebrows, or pluck?
I have always plucked my own, OR I get them waxed,from time to time.

13. What do you use to contour?
I use MAC'S "Format" blush in the summer when my skin is darker and in the winter, i use MAC'S "Blunt"
14. False lashes, or natural?
Natural. I've only worn falsies about 3 times in my entire life.

15. Favorite makeup brand?
Makeup Forever is sooooo amazing.

16. Liquid eyeliner, pencil or gel?
I Depends on the look. I "normally" use pencil,though

17. Lipstick, lipgloss or chapstick?
Can't pick just one...lol

18. Pigments, pressed or cream eyeshadow?
Pressed first, pigments second (messy but beautiful!), and cream last.

19. If you had to wear only one thing, excluding foundation; what would it be?
I would have to say mascara for me! I think lashes always add that special touch to a womans face! Bronzer or blush would be my second choice.

20. Favorite color?
PEACH!

21. Favorite color combination?
Depends

22. Natural? or Dramatic? (Eye Makeup)

Natural but I love a good "dramatic" smokey eye!

23. Do you care more for quality or name brand?
Of course quality!

24. Do you enjoy using face masks? If so which ones
I do, however I haven't tried too many. When I do, it is usually a sample so I cannot answer this one accurately. I'm all about making them at home though..lol

25. What is your current addiction? (example: lipsticks, eyeshadows, earrings..)
Makeup is my addiction,in general. I don't always wear makeup (on my off days, Im often "bare faced") but I jsut L-O-V-E makeup. Right now, I'm addicted to learning how to flawlessly contour and highlight. I'm also trying to perfet the "no makeup" makeup look(think Nia Long) I'm just trying to perfect my craft an move forward with it, as much as I can!

I feel good.

Spilling the beans....well, SOME of them

10 Things I wish I could say to 10 People:

1.The "bitch" I am now is the "bitch" you made me....YOU did this,NOT me.

2. Regardless of how long I've known you or how much I love and care for you....YOU ARE NOT my friend.I'm actually VERY close to cutting you out of my life, completely. I love you, but the person I love now is the same person I loved back in High School. You are too much of the same person you were x amount of years ago and it hurts my heart that you are content with that.

3.I hope you're happy

4.You should've thought more about PREVENTION and not so much about a "solution" AFTER the fact....I've always told u that....

5. ......I still Love you,though

6.After we broke up(for the last time) I went through a phase of feeling like I "NEEDED" someone to complete me, or to validate my worth.Almost a year and a half now,of being single,your constant calls,texts,emails and invitations have done ALL the validating I need.....Thank You but NO Thank You =0)

7.I wish I could talk to you the way I talk to everyone else. I wish I could tell you how you make me feel and how you hurt my feelings. I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs at you to get my point across. I wish you would let me in, the way you've let HIM in, I wish I could shake you and make you realize what you have OUTSIDE of him. I wish you knew how hard I triy with you. I hope you know I mean it when I say I "got u" or that I have your back. I wish you would call me, like you used to. I wish we could go back in time and start over.I wish I could tell you EXACTLY how I feel and KNOW that you would still answer my calls. I hope you know that even though it isn't in the way I want,or as much as I want, I LOVE YOU.....even when I hate you (that's what hurts)

8.You're amazing

9. I think you know it, but I think ur an awesome person with potential as big as the sky....I know times are a little rough,BUT things will def look up for you,soon enough. No one ever said progress was a fast process. I'd bet my last dollar on you. I'm here if you need me.

10. You're not always right(in sum of the things you do) BUT, ur just right for me. I value our friendship more than you know.

10 Things about me:

1.I can be VERY guarded, BUT I'm also very open

2. I don't trust easily....if I trust you and you break that trust, you no longer exist to me.

3. I have a nervous laugh....it's bad lol

4.I am probably one of the very few people who actually practice the whole "Treat others the way you want to be treated" thingy. I eally live by this. I give to the homeless,Im honest with people,I would give the shirt off my back to anyone who needed it because I'm constantly thinking "what if that were me?!?!?! I would want someone to help ME out" and because of that way of thinking, I think I'm a pretty good person....I REALLY try to be.

5.The smallest things make me happy...I don't need all the extra stuff.

6. I notice EVERYTHING.....even if I don't speak up on certain things, I do notice them and am ALWAYS taking mental notes.

7.I'm VERY organized.....VERY. I'm very particular about how I like things.

8.I love to clean...don't know why but I feel sooooo good after I clean up

9.I can be dissociative....I choose which "me" people see. It's just more proof that....

10. ......I'm a control freak...lol. I just am. I think it's because all my life, up until I turned 18 and left home, my mom controlled EVERY aspect of my life, and I couldn't take it....it freaks me out when a guy tries to "take control" if he doesnt approach things the right way.

5. Things that run through my mind everyday:

1.Damn, I should've closed my window, before I fet for work

2.Sex

3.someone who shall remain nameless

4.If I had a bit LESS dignity, I'd have A LOT more money

5.What are me and Cam gunna do on my days off

4.Things im wearing right now:

1. My Marc Jacob necklace I got as a gift and am in love with

2. Head band

3. Imaginary underwear

4.Uggs

3 People I couldn't imagine life without

1.Cameron,obviously

2.My best friend

3. My family (I am NOT gunna name just one...lol)

3 songs I cant get enough of:

1.The only Exception-Paramore

2. Dreaming with a Broken Heart-John Mayer

3.By Your Side-Sade

4.The Point of it All-Anthony Hamilton (I had to add this song)

2 Things I want to do BEFORE I die:

1.See Cameron become a college grad,become a husband,become a father,ect

2.Re-locate to New York/Have hot,sweaty,kinky,unprotected sex with Kanyew west AND/OR Dwight Howard (stop looking at me like that)

1 Confession:
I have the biggest heart God ever created(aside from thos poor people who have tumors on their heart, but you know what Im saying) but I'm soulles. It's always been easier for me to NOT allow myself to get to the "giving a fuck" phase with ANYBODY. That way, if they're gone tomorrow, it isnt a big deal. I love and I love HARD and if I love you and you do something to comprimise that, I will abandon you like I never knew you.Cutting ties has never been hard for me, but Im trying to take a more "human" approach to it. Cutting ties is SUPPOSED to hurt...but not if you never gave a fuck,to begin with. Bottom line: Maybe I should start TRYING(one step at a time) to give a fuck.

Shit that goes through my mind...I'm thinking, even when Im NOT thinking...

When there are days of silence between my friends and I...I get the feeling that it's the beginning of something ending. :/

I don't like when people change, but that's all that I want to do.

There are worse things I could do. But, I'm too nice. Or rational?

People can be pretty or cute, but only some people are beautiful.I defy "Beauty" by a person's heart. Beautiful people are the ones I won't let go. Not without a fight.

I wonder if the people I hold dearest,even realize what they mean to me...I have a funny way of showing things.

I hope at the end of the day,when all is said and done, I'm happy.

I pray that God places the people I "need" in my life and removes the ones that I don't...I won't ask any questions...I will just go with the flow of things.

I think people take my kindness for weakness, but also my sometimes shyness/quietness as being a stuck up bitch...not the case at all.

I'm feeling more and more rounded everyday and am finally at a point where I feel like I CAN actually make myself happines...which is what I set out to accomplish BEFORE I get into a new relationship, and I finally think that in 2011, I'm gonna actually date,since I did almost NONE of that this year...who knows, it may lead to a relationship...a SHORT term one(thats all Im ready for...lol)

I have my days where I count my blessings and feel so Blessed, and then I have days where I count my sorrows and feel broken....hoping to find balance

Sometimes I absolutely HATE to be alone...the quiet SCREAMS the truth

Im hoping that 2011 will be better than 2010. 2010 was actually a good year for me, I just hope 2011 is better(nothing wrong with an upgrade)

My heart,My soul,My son

Earlier this week, I had to take my son (Cameron) to the Dr. because he had some weird stuff going on with his eyes...I thought it was pink eye(I can be pretty dramatic...lol) so I HAD to take him in to make sure everything was everything. While in the office, I was on the phone with my Best friend/My son's God Mother and we were talking about what was going on with him and how from this point on, NOW is when all the "Kid Shit" is gunna start happening with him; pink eye,chicken pox,ect. and then it hit me, like a ton of bricks:I'm a MOM.I'M going to have to be there for him, to comfort him and make him feel better. When he gets sick, he's going to want ME to "fix it" and make it go away.He's going to depend on ME and only me, no matter WHAT happens.....I'm a MOM!

My son is 4, and you'd think by now, I would have grasped the fact that I am, in fact a mother....but I guess I hadn't.It's crazy to me, that I'm in charge of a LIFE....a PERSON....to feed,comfort,and clothe them.....ME. The girl who didn't think she wanted to have a baby EVER is a mother. It's crazy, because my son is 4...time has flown....It seems like he was just learning to walk yesterday.My baby has gone from "boy" to "man" right in front of my eyes and I have enjoyed EVERY moment of it.

Normally in a parent/child relationship, the child is dependent on the parent, but I feel like I am equally as dependent on my son....for different reasons,of course, but still.He has helped me through so many situations,he has inspired me sooooo much,he has given me reason to make so many "right" choices and has been my motivation behind the person I am and the person I am striving to be. He's been the calm to my storm in so many occasions and has lifted my spirits,even when I felt like I was at my lowest.He is and has been such a HUGE blessing to me from day one. It's weird because before I had a baby, I couldn't imagine myself with one,and know that I have him, I couldn't imagine my life WITHOUT him. He means so much to me. I never knew the capacity of my heart until I had him.

EVERYDAY it's something new with him.EVERYDAY, he finds a NEW way to piss me off and/or put a smile on my face. EVERYDAY he tests my AND teaches me patience.He's taught me NOT to stress over the "little" things,and to just enjoy life. He's my heart...I love him to pieces and I think he feels the same....he tells me that I'm the "Best mommy" and I'm the best "maker"(cook) and I believe him...lol Bottom line is that when he was born,God gave me the best gift he couold ever. I have someone who loves me 100% UNCONDITIONALLY, no matter what. He probably doesn't even know why he loves me...he just does...lol When he tells me he loves me, I don't hear it as much as I FEEL it, and I L-O-V-E that feeling. I love waking up to him,I love our conversations on the way to/from school. I love that he can't stay still for more than 20 seconds at a time,I love that he is constantly bouncing off of the walls, I love when he does something bad and he starts apologizing BEFORE I even see what he did, I love that at 4 years old, he is compassionate,he loves his mommy and knows that he is the man of the house, and acts accordingly...lol He is my WORLD...there is no me without him. I'm so blessed to have him and I hope that one day, he feels the same.

Our psychological state allows us to see only what we want/need/think/feel to see at a particular time.What 5 words do YOU see?

Kiss/Maniac/Resent/Naked/Passion

I am not my......SKIN

This post is inspired by an episode of "Girlfriends" that I watched today. In this specific episode,Toni, who is the most egotistical/vain of them all, had a conversation with her best friend Joan,who is light skinned/curly-haired about feeling like because she was dark skinned, she has to "do extra" to look and feel beautiful and she said that she wished that she had it as easy as Joan did,being light skinned.This threw me off for a bit,but it also got me to thinking about my OWN feelings of being "dark" skinned.

Growing up, I had 3 sisters.2 Light-skinned and "dark" skinned one.My mom (that raised me) was my complexion. Instead of treating us equally,she treated my light-skinned sisters better,and a lot of times,tried to make me feel like they were better than me.....it didn't work though. The only time I can honestly say that I DID feel less than was when I was around 8 years old and my mom was going out of town and so my great aunt was supposed to keep us until my mom came back. We drove all the way from Rialto to Marina Del Rey and when we got there, my great aunt didnt want to keep me or my older,dark skinned sister.....she was more than fine with keeping my light skinned sisters though. I didn't understand it at the time, but I remember my mom being on her cell phone,as we were driving off, going off about it and about how my Great aunt (Aunt Hattie was her name) hadn't changed. My family, on my mother's Father's side of the family are Creoles.....STRAIGHT Creoles.Broken French speaking,Tasso Eating,short tempered, CREOLES. They are beautiful, but they didn't look like me...at all. They ALL were light skinned,curly-haired GODDESSES in my eyes. After meeting more and more of THAT side of my family, I stopped "owning" that part of my heritage(Being partially Creole)

It's funny because, "light skinned/curly-hair" has become such a cliche....that wasn't the case for EITHER of my light skinned sisters OR my biological mother, who is also light-skinned.They may have been light skinned, but it was my dark skinned sister and I that got the curly hair...lol. My youngest sister has ALWAYS been jealous of that and says she got stuck with "nigger napps"...lol

I've NEVER really felt like my sister was prettier than me because she had lighter skin, nor do I ever really feel like my best friend will attract more guys JUST because she has lighter skin. I just feel like if you're pretty,you're pretty, regardless of the color of your skin....PERIOD. I love the color of my skin and instead of insecurities,it's given me confidence...people ALWAYS compliment me on my skin/complexion and I love it. BUT I have also had my share of those "back handed" comments....I've DEF been told that I was "very pretty" for a dark skinned girl,as if dark skinned girls are supposed to be ugly by nature....like it's so rare to find a dark skinned girl that's half decent.....it's annoying,but it's also the way of the world.

Bottomline:Beauty is far more than skin deep and No matter what color you are, you are who you are....NOT the color of your skin. Love yourelf...love your skin...it's YOUR'S and you're stuck with it, no matter how you feel about it!

Seek and you SHALL find....

I'm REALLY cool with my manager at work and we talk about almost any and everything you could think of. We share tips and advice,act. She was telling me how she's been having this "gut feeling" that something in her marriage isn't right.She felt that her husband,who she's been married to for the past 18 years may be hiding something....or some ONE. She told me that she saw online that there is some sort of device that you can buy that can retrieve erased text messages/pics from cell phones and that she was thinking about buying it to go through her husband's phone to see if he WAS actually hiding something or some ONE,after all.

I told her NOT to do it, UNLESS she was going to actually leave him,after she found what she felt like she needed to find.She didn't understand why I was against the idea of her getting "confirmation" to what her female intuition was already hinting at.

To me,it's simple(probably because I've dealt with this shit) it's true that a woman's intuition is a force to be reckoned with and chances are that if we think or feel something, we are normally at LEAST 80-85% RIGHT. I told her that even though she feels like she ALREADY knows something is wrong,to get confirmation that she was right and that he WAS being shady, is a WHHHHOOOOOOOLLLLLLEEEEE other ball game.....you can "know" something,but actually finding out that he was doing something is STILL gunna hurt like hell, because there is still that part of you that doesn't want to be right.

I told her how I "knew" almost every time my ex was being dishonest,hiding things,and being shady, BUT every time I would find something out FOR SURE, my "knowing" beforehand didn't soften the blow one bit and I STILL felt sick to my stomach....to the point where I stopped questioning him(to avoid the blatant lies) when we were apart, I wouldn't even call or text him anymore(to avoid him taking to long to respond;causing my mind to wonder)."Out of sight,out of mind" became the policy I learned to live by,during the last few months of that relationship.

I told her that unless she was planning to leave him, finding some shit out would be pointless and only BREAK their relationship,in the end. They've been together for 18 years......EIGHTEEN freaking years,4 kids,a house and according to her, he treats her well,does anything for her,ect. MY thinking is:if I've been with a man for THIS long and this is the first time I've had a feeling that something may be wrong,BUT he is still being an amazing husband and father, AND I have no concrete proof, I'm not gunna try and make something out of what could quite possibly be nothing,by starting to check his phone,ect.What's done in the dark ALWAYS comes to light and if he's never been caught up in the 18 years of our marriage,chances are, he hasn't done too much.....and if he HAS and she found something, she knows she isn't gunna break up their family because of it,so why even bother??If she finds something that she doesn't like or agree with, that will just cause a million trust issues to manifest and eventually BREAK what they have built over the last 18 years.It's not worth it, in MY book, but I'm not sure I convinced her that it wasn't a good idea,though. I hope for the sake of her marriage AND peace of mind,she doesn't dig for something that may or may NOT be there.

Nice Skin is In!!

I get many people asking me about my skin and how I maintain it's health. For me, taking care of my skin is kind of a BIG deal that can be narrowed down to a few steps, twice a day,that can help achieve/MAINTAIN beautiful skin. I'm gunna give a bit of a rundown of the things that I do on a regular basis,how OFTEN I do these things,WHY I do these things and WHAT I use for each step.


To CLEANSE:First off, I have to say that I am NOT a robot and although I would LOVE to take credit for following a STRICT skincare regime, I cant't. I DO try and stay on the ball, BUT we all have those days where we're just not feeling it.Anywho, at the very LEAST, I remove my makeup EVERY night with a makeup remover towelette, going to bed with a face full of makeup is no bueno and trying to sleep with mascara can be a night mare. I haven't come across a brand of makeup remover wipes that I haven't liked, so any brand will do...AND if you run out, Baby Wipes work just as well.

NORMALLY, after I remove my makeup with my towelettes,I use St. Ives Apricot Scrub....it's the ONLY facial wash I've used on my ace for about the last 2 years, I just can't get enough of it! I have combination skin,which means I can range from oily to dry,depending on the day and this scrub is the perfect balance for me.It has those little "scrubby thingies" that give the perfect,most gentle exfoliation, every time I use it and I feel like I can SEE the difference in my skin before/after I wash my face with this scrub. I love!

IF I don't feel like investing the 3 mins it takes to scrub my face, I do a quick "wash & Rinse" with good old Dove Soap....the plain white or "Blanc"; fragrance-free;SUPER gentle. Dove hasn't failed me yet, BUT I don't like the idea of soap on my face, so I try to ostay away from it.

Noxema Anti-Blemish Pads- I don't really suffer from blemishes and I really only use these thangs when I'm having an oily day. They do the trick of gently drying my skin out,BUT they leave a weird residue-ey feeling, and after I use these,I ALWAYS use Dove after becaue I HATE how my skin feels after I use these.

THAT was cleansing

To EXFOLIATE:

I have this little trick that I learned on YouTube that I tried and love. Alls(yes, "alls") you need are a lime,some sugar and one of those cotton "disks" that they sell at target. You cut the lime in half,squeeze all of the juice form HALF of the lime on 2 of the disks(layer them,so you don't have drippage) sprinkle some sugar on the wet disks (about 3 big pinches) and rub all over your face, in a circular motion to exfoliate. After you've exfoliated your face for say a minute, just rinse with warm water.Your face will feel so smooth and clean and your skin will look very "plump"...it's amazing. I've done this twice a month for the last 2 months and I love it.

To MOISTURIZE:

I'm the type that will try a million things,in search of what works for me and once I find it, I STICK to it.

I SOMETIMES use AMBI skincare products from time to time, BUT I don't see what all the fuss is about....their products are cool,and while I WOULD recommend their "Even & Clear" Facial moisturizer, you won't miss anything by NOT using it.

What I DO swear by:Eucerin Replenishing Face Cream. I love this stuff....it's just right. It moisturizes WITHOUT over doing it. I was kind of weary at first because it IS a cream, but they got it right. I can't go without this stuff!!

I think the stuff I do is pretty basic girl-shit and the products I use are pretty average,too. EVERYTHING I use can be bought at Target. I am blessed to have pretty "normal" skin; I NEVER break out, pimples are few are far in between.I DO get allergic reactions from time to time, but it has nothing to do with my SKIN TYPE. My skin seems to know who's in charge and acts accordingly.

Tips of the trade:

*NEVER go to bed with a face full of makeup...no bueno!

*Try NOT to use sopa on your face, if you do,make sure it is FOR your face,fragrance free,and free of dyes;all of which can and WILL irritate your sking

*Try to exfoliate at LEAST twice a month to get rid of old/dead skin cells and to help new ones form,which results in beautiful,glowy skin

*Find products that work for you and STICK with them

*Drink water every day to have fresh looking skin

*ALWAYS moisturize!

*To get your skin to look "tight" splash your face with cold water; the colder, the better

*Steam is good for skin.After you rinse your face, soak a washcloth in hot water(as hot as you can stand) and place the open washcloth on your face until it cools

*Apply a Primer before applying your makeup;the makeup will "sit" on top of the primer,INSTEAD of your face,will means the makeup can't seep into pores and cause breakouts or irritation.

I hope this stuff helps!! Stay Beautiful!! xoxoxo

Funny: "How to make a woman happy"

1. When she asks how she looks shrug and say “could be better”. This will keep her on her toes. And girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries, this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs – they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she’s sleeping. If she is…say “you better be”, & repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things…they usually mean the most. Then when she’s sleeping, steal these things and break them. This will kill off her spirit and mean she’ll remain yours forever.

7. If you’re talking to another girl, make sure she’s looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words “fuck you” and grab the other girl's ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you’re taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it’s going to be really special then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you’re really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear “…because I can.”

9. Introduce her to your friends as “some chick”. Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Tug on it HARD. Especially if she has a weave. Women loves an aggressive man.

11. Warm her up when she’s cold…and not by giving her your jacket… then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say “if you don’t stop bitching about the cold right now you’re going to be bitching about a black eye.” The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she’ll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party’s dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet.

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she’s fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR!

15. Spit often. Girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her never ever tell her, as this will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you’re in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. Girls love pranks.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she’s about to order interrupt and say no she’s not hungry. Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts……and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell.

21. When its raining keep asking her if she’s crying. She’ll say no its just the rain. Ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to “stop crying you fucking baby”. Girls like a tough man.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. If you’re listening to music on your ipod and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she’ll think you’re mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday but don’t get her something. Teach her material objects aren’t important. The only thing that’s important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

25. If she’s mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at home at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you’re going to tell her a special surprise. Now she’ll be really excited. Then don’t call.

TRUE Life:I'm a BITCH

I never realized how much of a bitch I was until this week.Everything seems to irritate the shit out of me,I get mad when the dusty dudes that check into my hotel try to flirt with me or stare too long,every question that any one seems to ask me seems like the dumbest question in the fucking world,the weather sucks...shit's just been "off" with me,for some reason or another.I have a SNAPPY rebuttal for ANYTHING thrown my way.I desire to cut people the fuck up with my words. It's so weird because I used to be timid,I used to be afraid of confrontation, but now, I exercise my right to reciprocate the emotional distress placed upon me by people and their stupid ass questions,inaproppriate remarks, or my favorite:those who simply think that a seemingly mild-mannered chick who speaks proper english WON'T retaliate. That USED to be the case, but some where,, some how, a BITCH was born....but WHY am I a BITCH?!?! And, is this a bad thing??

I have to credit some of my bitchiness to the "company I keep" I have some friends who are pure and utter bitches....to the core of their souls. BUT I have friends who are almost DISGUSTINGLY sweet,and don't have a single malicious bone in their perfect size 2 bodies.....THOSE are the friends that tend to come to ME, upset about their romantic circumstances and being continuously trampled over by inconsiderate guys,and rejoice like a retarded kid at a carnival as I regale them with verbal demolishment of the said fellow.lol In so many ways, I'm no different from these girls.I can be, and usually am as sweet as a pea and as refreshing as a mentos.BUT,I've learned that my preferred method of "building a bridge and getting the fuck over it" is BITCHINESS.

The thing that sets me apart from all you OTHER bitches, I think, is the fact that I'm not a bitch that can be identified by a single glance....at a a glance, I appear to be JUST what I am:a sweetheart, BUT as of late, my tolerance for dumb,non-relevant,unimportant bullshit has been at an all time low.I TELL people that they are getting on my nerves (I've hung up in QUITE a few faces this week) in the sweetest way possible, to give them a chance to either accept of deflect....that simple. Like I said, this week has been a week of recognition for me...I've realized that I've been very bitchy. If my bitchiness has at all affected you, I'm sorry...that ur so fucking annoying. Fuck you and have a nice day =0)

1 year, 4 months and counting.....

So it's been about 1 year and 4 months since my last relationship officially ended. In all honesty, I didn't think that I'd be single for half as long as I have been....I had way too many "options" and too many men lined up. Quickly after I ended things with my ex, I dated....kind of a lot(I would go out with a guy at least once or twice a week,EVERY week) and so I thought I'd be "wifed up" by now,for sure....not the case. In the midst of my trying to fill a void that up until this point, I failed to admit(to even myself) was there,and searching for validation(through these guys)to prove to myself that "I" wasn't the fact that things went wrong, ect. I felt empty. I felt that every time the night would end,whether I had an amazing or mediocre time, I felt so unfulfilled...so unfed,so empty.....so ALONE. I've know for years that I can't have sex with a man, if I don't feel connected with him,PAST a physical attraction, so I havent.... and that just because I DO feel the connection I seek in a man, upon FIRST meeting him, doesn't mean that I will bone him either. I came to the conclusion that what I was seeking in these men was something that I,as a woman,should be able to find in MYSELF: happiness,comfort,support and most importantly:LOVE. When I finally admitted that I was searching for someone else to give me what I hadn't even given MYSELF, I pretty much cut guys off,all together. I decided that I would learn what made me "tick",my likes/dislikes,what made me happy,ect. I know that to truly be happy with someone ELSE, you have to be happy with YOURSELF. It's kind of hard when you devote yourself to a relationship and NOTHING makes you happier than making the person you are with happy. THEIR happiness becomes YOURS, and when things don't go as planned and you guys break up, you feel lost,empty,like half of you is gone, like you've lost sight of who YOU are and what TRULY makes you happy. I guess that was the case with me.It's funny and kind of ironic that I smile a solid 90% of my day,EVERY DAY. I will literally FIND something to smile about,even when I'm crying inside.I've honestly grown soooooo much as a person/woman since things ended with my ex,it's amazing. If the person I am today, met the person I was back then, I wouldn't know who I was.I've learned myself,I've figured myself out, I've learned what I want and what I DON'T want in a man/relationship.I've re-evaluated some things,I've changed some,too. Looking back, I STILL don't understand/know how or WHY I dealt with half of what I dealt with...it makes no sense to me at all.I guess we have to get through certain situations to learn/realize how much MORE there is to life.All in all, being single for all of this time has been pretty cool,I guess but also VERY challenging at times. I miss the "gay" cupcake-ish things that go along with being in a relationship: pillow-talk,cooking,going to sleep with/waking up to someone,coming home to someone,movie night, the "I miss you" text messages,and all that other gay shit that I live for in a relationship. I'm doing good though. I'm single and I'm okay with that. It's about to be 2011 and one of my goals is to give people a chance....wait, let me change that. My goal is to give MYSELF a chance;a chance to be happy,and appreciated,and liked...maybe even loved. Im gunna stop stopping myself from allowing myself to be happy. I want to be happy. I DESERVE to be happy.

Is the Dick THAT good?!?!

I don't know why most(if not all) of my friends tend to come to me,whenever they have an issue, more specifically a Dating/Relationship issue, as if I have all the fucking answers...lol but they do. I credit it to my being more of a LOGICAL thinker, as opposed to being an EMOTIONAL thinker....in many(not all) situations/scenarios. So anywho, I was having a deep conversation with a dear friend about a relationship that she was in/had recently ended. While going into more and more detail, I was kind of like "Damn, I wonder why she NEVER told me ANY of this shit while it was happening" and I figured because she KNEW what I would say and she didnt wanna hear that shit. Im gunna give some examples of some of the shit that she put up with for the past 2 FUCKING YEARS....all without telling ME shit...lol

She would text him several times and he wouldn't respond.
Her take: "He must have been with some bitch,and didnt wanna text me back,while he was with her"
MY take:He very well could have been boo'd up with some dummy,BUT I don't think that was the case EVERY time he didn't respond.He probably wanted to see HOW you would react to him not responding; to see if you're the bitch who utterly doesnt give a shit and stops texting after the 3rd one goes unanswered,OR are you the 51/50 bitch who keeps texting,calling,leaving voicemails that range from jealous,to crazy to apologetic.Niggas looooovvvveeeee to test the waters and love to see how much they really "have" a bitch and regardless of the shit we say with ours words,our actions tell it all.

**I asked her to define their "Relationship"
She said she "never really" got the title of gf but "they did EVERYTHING couples do"
MY take:You were letting him smash over the course of 2 FUCKING years and he wouldn't even call u his girlfriend?!?! You were cooking for this nigga?You were passing up a bunch of dudes who probably wanted to make you their gf to be played with by THIS weak ass nigga?!?! Yooooooo....u lost me with that one.

**She told me that he told her he loved her after like 3 or 4 months and at one point even said he wanted to marry her;NO ring,No bended knee, just the 2 of them laying in the bed,after the first time she let him fuck her raw...she started calling him her fiance'

**He would dissapear out of her life for like 2 weeks at a time and would say that the reason was because he was having "family issues"
MY take: if the "family" issues were so bad, wouldn't he be doing something to move his GROWN ASS OUT of his "family's" house?!?!

**They lived pretty far away and so he would come to her city on the weekends or whatever, one specific weekend when she asked him if he was coming up, his excuse for NOT coming was that "it was his weekend to do the dishes" at his "family's house".....this is a GROWN MAN.....I pretty much flat lined when she told me that. I told her, he was probably telling the truth,cause who the FUCK would come with some shit like that, if it were a lie?!?!?! lol/smh

All in all, she pretty much played herself by allowing herself to get played in the first place.She saw red flag after red flag and STILL accepted what he gave/told her, even when she KNEW better.I had one simple question for her: "Was the dick THAT good?" She said it was, but I ain't buying that shit...we've ALL at one point or another been "dumb over a dick", but I wasn't getting that from her, or anything she told me. I think that more than anything, she found someone that she liked,he played hard to get(obviously IMPOSSIBLE to get...lol),she was up for the challenge and when he didn't give up the chase and showed his player ways, she(like every woman breathing) wanted to be "that girl"...u know, the girl that changes the game for a man, the girl that a nigga cuts off all of his side pieces for, the girl who's saved under "wifey" in his phone.....THAT GIRL and just when she thought she was getting close, he pulled the rug from under her feet and she found out what a part of her knew ALL ALONG:He had bitches....maddd bitches.THE END.He pretty much cut her off for one of them and was kind of running her name through the mud, as is she did ANYTHING but give a fuck about his punk ass.It makes me sad that now,MY friend is hurting and I cant do anything but make the shit worst by being hone st and telling her my TRUE feelings about the shit and this nigga is boo'd up with some duck. I've been through shit,and will probably go through a little bit more, but the next time Im at a crossroads about some shit and "love" isnt enough, I'm gunna ask myself the same very simple question I asked her: "Is the dick THAT good?!"