So very heavy hearted,right now. Lost someone(in a sense) who meant so much to me. One of my BEST male friends.Someone I took for granted. Took every laugh,convo,minute we spent together FOR GRANTED. I was ALWAYS banking on tomorrow.He was someone who I could talk to about any and everything, and I did. I never lied to him, not because I didnt WANT to,sometimes, but because he knew me well enough to see right through it.He was someone who I lost contact with from time to time, but we ALWAYS found our way back......ALWAYS. It's crazy,because when we WOULD go for 2 or 3 months without talking, it didn't bother me...because I KNEW it was a matter of time before his cousin would be hitting me up,relaying a message from him, with his new number....I KNEW it. And when he was HEAVY on my mind, for like 4 days and I actually hit his cousin up BEFORE he hit me....I felt like something may have been wrong, but what I was told was far from what I was expecting. Ive never really lost someone who I felt so close to, in this way.It's different, but just as painful. I've lost sleep, I feel like I'm obsessing over it. I google and re-google, over and over, only to get the SAME info I got the previous time. My heart is in pieces. I feel like I took him for granted. I feel like I didnt cherish him the way I should have,I feel like I didn't tell him I loved him half as much as he told me. I feel like had I made the effort to be in constant contact,at LEAST for these past few months, he would have been able to share with me what he was dealing with emotionally, and I would have been able to help him deal with those feelings and think rationally. I feel sooooooo bad, for sooo many things that I probably couldnt have changed.I HATE this feeling, but I should probably get used to it. I wrote him to tell him that I'm not here to pass judgement,Im not here to make him feel any worse than he already does, and that I love him and that I am here for him....because I am.I love him, and I've loved him since the 10th grade...I couldn't turn my back on him, if I tried.I just wish I could shake this feeling. I wish he wouldnt run through my mind every 30 seconds, I wish I could stop staying up, trying to figure out why he did what he did/if I could have stopped it. I hate the way I feel. I hope he writes back. I hope he wants to see me. I hope he knows I mean it when I say, Im in his corner. I hope he's ok. I wish I could call him and have an all-night conversation about absolutely nothing, the way we used to. I try not to question God, but sometimes, I have to ask/wonder about things...why do people do the things they do? It's crazy because they say that each of our stories are already written BEFORE we are even born, and whats fucked up to me, is that,that tells me, that no matter how hard you try to be a good person, no matter how good of a person, u ARE,in a second, all of that can change by a decision that was technically made FOR you,BEFORE you were even born.Thats fucked up to me.I don't know, but it's driving me crazy. For the last few days, Ive been crying at least 5 times a day...I wake up crying...this shit s taking it's toll on me.All I can do is what I told him I would, and pray...Im doing both.
