Ok so for whatever reason, upon meeting me, people never believe Im single. Its super flattering,but also annoying as hell when they insist on knowing "why" I'm single, or what's my "thing" that wont "allow" me to be in a relationship. It's soooo annpying that people can't seem to accept the fact that not all women need a man/relationship to define her....some of us are self sufficient enough to make it on our own, so to speak. Even at work....my manager can NOT believe that I'm single and hardly ever even date....seriously, she cant get passed it. She wanted to create an Eharmony profile for me....shit is crazy to me. Ive def met men and women and thought to myself "damn,why the FUCK is he/she single" but I've always chalked it up to the fact that either they WANT to be single or they havent found "the one"....either way, no big deal to me.I've been told that I don't "deserve" to be single, like being single is some kind of punishment....lol WTF?!?!? People have things alllll wrong, I'm single and happily so. I have my "days" or whatever but I'm good.There are certain people who DO "deserve" to be single. By deserve I mean, are not "ready" to be in a relationship,therefore deserve to be single....follow me? I've come up with a few examples of the types that in my not so humble opinion DESERVE to be single....they're just NOT ready.....
1.Miss "I don't know what I want"
You want a boyfriend, why??Because your ex moved on?Because your bestie finally got a man and wants to double date? Because you've been dying to change your fr relationship status?You're being an ass.Do you know what you have?!?!?! FREEDOM!! You can do whatever you want to,you can go wherever you want to, you can flirt, you can fuck, and you dont have to answer to ANYBODY.BEING SINGLE IS GREAT!!IT HAS HONESTLY TAUGHT ME SOOOOOO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF AND WHAT I WANT IN A MAN.WHO CARES ABOUT BEING BORED??THE MALLS ARE OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK AND THERE IS ALWAYS A NIGGA WILLING/WAITING TO TAKE YOU OUT....DO YOU!! Do you REALLY want some dirty nigga snoring in your ear at night,farting and being gross??NO! The arguments over nothing,the ex-girlfriend drama,the competition with the x-box, the lnigering question of if he really likes YOU or just the way you __________(fill in blank with your bedroom specialty...lol)Women so often lose sight of what they want, we alllll have "plans" and desires in life, but as soon as a nigga with tatts and "swagg", you're "list" dwindles to ONE thing.....ANYTHING he's doing.It's no longer about what you want,it's what HE wants...and no person REALLY wants that shit....thats part of why I m single now: I know what I want and Im sticking to my guns....Ive been that female that lost sight of the things that mattered to me, for the sake of the guy I THOUGHT I wanted to be with....thats weak and wack as shit. Ladies: figure out what YOU want and you will get exactly that. It may not be on your timing, but your timing WILL come.You cant go into a relationship wanting nothing but the man you are getting into the relationship with and get mad when he gives you a shitty relationship. Going in, you had no requirements,you had no expectations, your only desire was that man, which is what you got.
2.Ms. Pac Man
We women LOVED to be "chased", and men love the chase,short and simple.But what happens when you get causght? It's not always "happily ever after", in 2 months, you'll be flirting with the new guy at ur job, he'll be dicking down some chick in his apt complex, ur cooter won't tingle the same way it used to now that ur getting boned by the same guy on a consistent basis. As women, our entire swag is built around being a cock tease.Why do you think I'm so happy/content with being single?? Because I know that if I needed anything from dick to an oil change,there are a bunch of niggas in my phone that will do exactly as I say in hopes to being a step closer to getting what's in my panties....the way of the world.But once ur "bagged" and you have to deal with ONE dude instead of as many as you want to on your OWN accord, you feel like something is "lacking"....you miss the slick talk of the nigga who had no clue he was this- close to getting the goods because you played ur role so well, you miss the random text messages from random guys who's faces u dont even remember calling you pretty...you miss all the shit you gave up when you jumped ur ass in a relationship. There is NOTHING wrong with the chase...I live for the chase, but be sure your ready to give up the chase BEFORE you get into a relationship, or else, there is no way you can be faithful or even happy in a relationship, regardless of how good the guy is.
3. Your living in the past
What I mean by this is: you ae still salty over your last break up,you still dont trust men because the last one you dated did you grimey,you dont trust men because of all that your last guy put you through, your motto is "all men are dogs" or "niggas ain't shit" and the like. In my personal opinion, aside from cheating, "living in the past" takes the cake as far as the demise of many relationships.It's fucked up....I understand it though.As a woman who has been cheated on,disrescpected,ect all by a man I loved and was in a full on-live in relationship with, I fully inderstand how hard it is to move on from something that meant so much to you that ended up being a pot of bullshit...I know. I know that once you feel like you've invested everything you had in a man/relationship to have it blow up in your face, makes you feel like men arent shit...I know. This too is another piece of the "why im single puzzle"It's not that I think all men are dogs or are all the same, I KNOW better.....I just am not in a place to where I feel like I;m "over" my last relationship...not in the sense of still having feelings for my ex...more in the sense of KNOWING that I am in no position to "try" and trust a guy with my feelings....my guard is WAY up, and has been since the demise of that relationship, and it's been a while. I think that KNOWING this about myself has kept me out of a lot of potential arguing,bs,hurt feelings,ect that can all come if 2 people are in a relationship and one doesnt trust the other,ESPECIALLY when that current partner hasnt done anything to break that trust. I dont want to be that girl who is meserable with past events that hold no relevance to her current relationship, I also dont want to drive a guy mad with false accusations of what I "KNOW" he did, just because the last guy did...no bueno. You know if ur fully "over" something or someone...take your time...let ur wounds heal. Dont think you can replace the old guy with a new one, because you cant. The bottom line is that if you're still dwelling on something from the past, you are subconciously damning your future....My motto is"Let go BEFORE you 'latch' on" lol
There are many different types that deserve to be single: the party girl,the gold digger,"god's gift",ect but I can't do too much typimg, because I'm at work and have shit to do ....lol Know yourself,wants,needs,ect. Dont be hungry or pressed to get into a relationship...a relationship will find you and those are normally the best one's.Don't get into a relationship just for the look of it...it wont work!If you're ready then do it, but if ur not and you KNOW ur not...fall back a bit.Let nature take it's course....live your life and have fun in the mean time, that way, when you DO get bagged, you wont regret any time spent BEFORE you got into the relationship.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
A road with no direction
Roads end with signs that never make any sense.And green lights only make it HARDER to leave.So I'm stuck between stop and go.Left with these blank maps telling me to move but I'm so stuck in yesterday's LEFT that I've forgotten how to turn RIGHT in today. Fallen victim to misguided promises and melancholy love songs and the radio keeps on playing those sad songs I used to hum to myself every time you LEFT. Mr. RIGHT was never your forte anyways,and being in love was far too complicated for either of us to comprehend, so we pretended to know where we were going when really, we were lost from the very beginning.I knew I thought I left footprints so I could follow them back home,but every time I traced them they led me back to you. I have searched and searched,trying to find the "signs"you were a RIGHT that went so wrong. A relationship is a street that's not supposed to be traveled alone. All that was left in the end was heartache and loneliness, but I'm DONE walking by myself. Words keep me company enough to fill the void your voice can no longer fill. You LEFT, so I WRITE........
CHANGES/CHALLENGES
So as you all know, I will be turning 25 in 3 extremely SHORT months and I am freaking the hell out about it. I am a quarter of a century old and I feel like I wish I had a lot more accomplished. I def know people my age(and older) that STILL don't have the basics covered and sadly, it kind of makes me feel a bit better(shame on me, I know)Any who, my best friend is leaving to Baltimore for 6 months to REALLY focus on school and speed up the process of getting her degree and Im so proud that she has made the decision to do so, also envious of the fact that she CAN make such a move. People don't realize how hard it is being a mother, ESPECIALLY a single mother;every aspect of my life takes planning,I need to know exact times,places,ect. I can't remember the last time I was able to just get up and do ANYTHING.But I'm not complaining...just saying.So any ways, I've been going over in my head some changes that I can make....changes that are REALISTIC....not just ones that sound good or look good on paper. I am CHALLENGING myself with these goals and I am hoping for amazing results. Here are some areas of concern and the Challenges I am about to face:
**1.I am going to get a hold on my shopping. I shop A LOT. I am not one of those people who will shop instead of paying a bill or the type that will spend my last dollar at the mall. I'm not like that at all, BUT I am the type that will go and buy SOMETHING,EVERY DAY. I literally buy SOMETHING from some kind of store/mall EVERY DAY. A huge part of the problem is that I pass a Target when I drop My son off to school and when I pick him up, so A LOT of the times, I will go to Target after I drop him off to school and spend money I should be saving. I will tell myself we either "need" something or am "running out of something" to make myself feel justified in going in the first place. I will "go for" something like paper towels or capri-suns for my son and come out with $60 worth of stuff....EASY. Same thing at the mall....I used to go at least 4 times a week and when I realized I was going so often, I made a deal wityh myself that I would only go to the mall on my off days. Problem is that I work Grave twice a week so on those days, I feel like it's an off day and take my ass to the mall.The one positive I guess would be that at least half of what I buy(regardless of where I go) is actually for my son. The negative of that is that my son is VERY spoiled....he will literally ask for any and everything he sees(he won't even WANT it, but he will see it and ask....I'm rubbing off on my baby *sad face*) SO......my Challenge for this particular situation is to NOT SHOP for the entire month of March. I will not buy ANYTHING except:Gas and Groceries. I'm not paying for anything accept bills,child care,manis/pedis(those are both basic life essentials..lol) and for my son to get his haircuts.....THAT IS IT!! No eating out or ANYTHING. Eating out is another problem of mine.I don't cook half as much as I should. I don't eat a lot of fast food(I eat at restaraunts or order the food to be delivered)and I know how much money THAT can amount to.So I'm cutting that out,too. I'm going to cook my lunch for work.I'm going to make sure I have gas in my car everyday BEFORE I go to work so that I can leave my debit card at home and I'm only going to take $5 a day to pay for parking.This is really going to be hard but It won't hurt and I'm anxious/nervous/excited to see how much more money I can save a month by cutting out all of the "extras" in my life.This will be a HUGE challenge for me because I'm so used to spending freely and to go from that to not at all is going to be a bitch. Wish me luck...I will def need it!
**2.Getting my ass back in shape! It has been about 9 months since I have had issues with my weight.It so weird for me to have this struggle because I have NEVER had an issue with weight, but I'mm getting older(metabolism is slowing down to a screeching hault...lol) I dont eat as healthy as I used to/should AND I'm on the bc shot which I now know that depending on the brand can be the DEVIL. Any ways,I am not happy with my body...I'm getting used to having curves and I hope I keep them, I just want to get my tummy all the way flat again and tone and tighten the rest of my body. I'm going to change my diet. Like I said, no more eating out and I am going to prepare my OWN food. I don't KNOW how to cook unhealthy food(fried chicken and stuff like that) so I should be fine as far as diet goes. I don't eat much red meat(unless it's oxtails)at all so that is a plus. I wanna start drinking Crystal light like I used to. I don't even remember why I stopped because I actually PREFER Crystal light to a lot of other drinks...oh well, I'm gunna get back on it. CHALLENGE: I bought a membership to a 30 day Fitness Bootcamp that takes place 4 times a week and the challenge is to stick with the program in it's entirety.Do what's necessary to aid the class to help me regain my "sexy" i.e. eating healthy,drinking lots of water/crystal light,sleeping like I should,ect. I'm excited to see what all of this does to my body/confidence....we shall see!
**3.Getting my Braces. I've wanted braces for a while now but I have heard horor stories about how painful they are/can be and I am NOT good with pain! BUT for the sake of vanity, I'm gunna go ahead and get them....FINALLY. CHALLENGE:Actually GET the braces...lol
**4 . Everyone knows I am not in love with my job.It pays the beills and nothing else has "come up" but let's face it: I havent really been looking too hard and I am so much better than my job.I love working in hospitality and would love to one day be a G.M of a Hilton or Hyatt or be a Brand Ambassador for a "W" or work corporate for a Marriott or Renisnace . I want to be a "big shot" who takes red eye flights from coast to coast JUST to attend the Grand Opening of one of "my" properties. CHALLENGE:Do whatever I have to do to get a job at a hotel that is part of a MAJOR chain. I just feel like once my foot is in THAT door, everything else like promotions will follow because I am a very hard worker,quick learner and Im sure that if I worked at a place that actually had room for promotion, I would have been promoted already. Another reason I need to get on this ASAP is because I plan/want to move out of Cali in the next 2 years and when/wherever I move, I want to be able to transfer from my job in my current city to the city I'm planning to move to, so That I will have a job "waiting" for me.
I tried to come up with a 5th thing but couldn't decide between 2 things and I only wanted my list to contain up to 5 things at a time..NOT 6, so I will leave those last 2 things out, until the NEXT set of challenges. I'm hopeful that I will have the best results and that I will actually be able to stick with all of these things until the bitter end. Wish me luck. If MY list has inspired you to make a list of your own, Please share!!
Stay Beautiful!!
J Bellz xoxo
**1.I am going to get a hold on my shopping. I shop A LOT. I am not one of those people who will shop instead of paying a bill or the type that will spend my last dollar at the mall. I'm not like that at all, BUT I am the type that will go and buy SOMETHING,EVERY DAY. I literally buy SOMETHING from some kind of store/mall EVERY DAY. A huge part of the problem is that I pass a Target when I drop My son off to school and when I pick him up, so A LOT of the times, I will go to Target after I drop him off to school and spend money I should be saving. I will tell myself we either "need" something or am "running out of something" to make myself feel justified in going in the first place. I will "go for" something like paper towels or capri-suns for my son and come out with $60 worth of stuff....EASY. Same thing at the mall....I used to go at least 4 times a week and when I realized I was going so often, I made a deal wityh myself that I would only go to the mall on my off days. Problem is that I work Grave twice a week so on those days, I feel like it's an off day and take my ass to the mall.The one positive I guess would be that at least half of what I buy(regardless of where I go) is actually for my son. The negative of that is that my son is VERY spoiled....he will literally ask for any and everything he sees(he won't even WANT it, but he will see it and ask....I'm rubbing off on my baby *sad face*) SO......my Challenge for this particular situation is to NOT SHOP for the entire month of March. I will not buy ANYTHING except:Gas and Groceries. I'm not paying for anything accept bills,child care,manis/pedis(those are both basic life essentials..lol) and for my son to get his haircuts.....THAT IS IT!! No eating out or ANYTHING. Eating out is another problem of mine.I don't cook half as much as I should. I don't eat a lot of fast food(I eat at restaraunts or order the food to be delivered)and I know how much money THAT can amount to.So I'm cutting that out,too. I'm going to cook my lunch for work.I'm going to make sure I have gas in my car everyday BEFORE I go to work so that I can leave my debit card at home and I'm only going to take $5 a day to pay for parking.This is really going to be hard but It won't hurt and I'm anxious/nervous/excited to see how much more money I can save a month by cutting out all of the "extras" in my life.This will be a HUGE challenge for me because I'm so used to spending freely and to go from that to not at all is going to be a bitch. Wish me luck...I will def need it!
**2.Getting my ass back in shape! It has been about 9 months since I have had issues with my weight.It so weird for me to have this struggle because I have NEVER had an issue with weight, but I'mm getting older(metabolism is slowing down to a screeching hault...lol) I dont eat as healthy as I used to/should AND I'm on the bc shot which I now know that depending on the brand can be the DEVIL. Any ways,I am not happy with my body...I'm getting used to having curves and I hope I keep them, I just want to get my tummy all the way flat again and tone and tighten the rest of my body. I'm going to change my diet. Like I said, no more eating out and I am going to prepare my OWN food. I don't KNOW how to cook unhealthy food(fried chicken and stuff like that) so I should be fine as far as diet goes. I don't eat much red meat(unless it's oxtails)at all so that is a plus. I wanna start drinking Crystal light like I used to. I don't even remember why I stopped because I actually PREFER Crystal light to a lot of other drinks...oh well, I'm gunna get back on it. CHALLENGE: I bought a membership to a 30 day Fitness Bootcamp that takes place 4 times a week and the challenge is to stick with the program in it's entirety.Do what's necessary to aid the class to help me regain my "sexy" i.e. eating healthy,drinking lots of water/crystal light,sleeping like I should,ect. I'm excited to see what all of this does to my body/confidence....we shall see!
**3.Getting my Braces. I've wanted braces for a while now but I have heard horor stories about how painful they are/can be and I am NOT good with pain! BUT for the sake of vanity, I'm gunna go ahead and get them....FINALLY. CHALLENGE:Actually GET the braces...lol
**4 . Everyone knows I am not in love with my job.It pays the beills and nothing else has "come up" but let's face it: I havent really been looking too hard and I am so much better than my job.I love working in hospitality and would love to one day be a G.M of a Hilton or Hyatt or be a Brand Ambassador for a "W" or work corporate for a Marriott or Renisnace . I want to be a "big shot" who takes red eye flights from coast to coast JUST to attend the Grand Opening of one of "my" properties. CHALLENGE:Do whatever I have to do to get a job at a hotel that is part of a MAJOR chain. I just feel like once my foot is in THAT door, everything else like promotions will follow because I am a very hard worker,quick learner and Im sure that if I worked at a place that actually had room for promotion, I would have been promoted already. Another reason I need to get on this ASAP is because I plan/want to move out of Cali in the next 2 years and when/wherever I move, I want to be able to transfer from my job in my current city to the city I'm planning to move to, so That I will have a job "waiting" for me.
I tried to come up with a 5th thing but couldn't decide between 2 things and I only wanted my list to contain up to 5 things at a time..NOT 6, so I will leave those last 2 things out, until the NEXT set of challenges. I'm hopeful that I will have the best results and that I will actually be able to stick with all of these things until the bitter end. Wish me luck. If MY list has inspired you to make a list of your own, Please share!!
Stay Beautiful!!
J Bellz xoxo
Sunday, February 27, 2011
So the reason for this post is because I'm proud of myself for something that recently happend. Okay, so as you all know, the past doesn't ALWAYS stay in the past, no matter how little relevance it has in your current situation/future plans....By "the pass" I mean ex's. We've all had that ONE(at least) ex that doesn't get "it" for one reason or another, or the ex that realizes what they had far too late in the game,ect. My last boyfriend/most current ex is no different.It's been about a year a 6 or 7 months I would say, since we were togther, its been a year and some change(a year and a few months) since I decided that I wantd absolutely NOTHING to do with him, on any level. I tried the whole "let's just be friends" deal and quickly learned that there are some ex's that you just can NOT be friends with(at least if you see that person in person and are in situations where things can go further than you want them to;physically)so we've been "friends from a distance" he calls and texts me all the time and if I dont answer he will email me, which irratates the shit out of me...ugh. But any ways, he'd been trying to "link up" for a while for dinner, supposedly wanted to talk to me face to face about something that HE said shouldn't be discussed over the phone. Yawn. Long story short, I met him for din-din. We talked, we laughed, we joked(I joked...he doesnt have a good sense of humor/doesnt get my jokes)...u know, all that gay shit that ex-couples do in the movies. Then shit started getting real....lol he started aking me about my personal life and I told him not to ask me questions that he would want an honest answer to unless he was willing to answer those same questions HONESTLY. He kept looking at me and smiling (some weird shit from his weird ass) and kept saying how much he missed "us"...I rolled my eyes and ordered a drink....lol He went on and on about how "different" he is now compared to how he was whe we were together.He acknowledged the fact that he still hasnt met a girl "like me" and how much he missed me. I didnt give shit and I didnt want to hear it so I told him to "stop" but he didnt. He kept rambling, i kept getting on my phone texting, trying toignore what he was saying. I blocked a lot of it out, but a few things stood out: he said that when he first met me, he only wanted to bone me....said that was just the shit he was on. He had just ended his marriage and didnt want a gf by any means. Said that he was just being a bachelor and met me in the midst of that. Said I wasnt supposed to be around after like 2 weeks but the more he was around me, the more he WANTED me to stay around. Said I made him laugh and happy and made him "feel like a man" and he always knew that whatever he was going through, he could pick up the phone,call me and before the phone call was up, he'd feel %110 better.Said in all this time, he still hasnt found anyone who came close to me and what we had....I heard him loud and clear and I believe every word of what he said. I know I'm a good woman, I treat my men like Kings.....I do laundry,I run baths,I make dinner(or pick it up) I give back rubs, I listen...I do all that stuff and at many points, he had me questioning if that/I was good enough.I questioned myself and my worth SO many times in that "relationship" an to this day, he makes me feel like I should "be over" all of what he put me through and to this day, I'm not. ANYTHING you can think of a man putting his woman through in a relationship, I've been through in that one.ANYTHING. Then, I remember "the end", when I physically could NOT cry any more(dead serious) and I woke up and decided that that shit was NOT for me anymore, when I stopped trying to "fix" something that was broken beyond repair, and decided to let go of of something I felt like he had let go of a long time ago. Then he wanted to "make things work" but he could see in my eyes I was done. He wanted me back BAD...pulled out all the stops. I remember him lying to me and saying that he had cancer. YES!!CANCER!! Said all he wanted was his "family" before he died. He would make himself throw up and say it was from the cancer. He even shaved his head!! All for the sake of trying to get back what his the entire time...up until shortly before that point. I remember when his brother told me he had lied about the cancer, I was livid!!Who the fuck lies about having Cancer?!?! And I'm like, you're doing all of this fo someone you've broken? I didnt get it(still don't) we went back and fourth about certain aspects/occurences of our relationship and certain things, he still wasn't willing to live up to and that got me even more upset, and by that time, I had had my second margarita so my emotions were a bit exxagerated.Whta got me was when he said that I'm "avoiding him" for a reason. Said that HE knows that I know that if we were around eachother on a consistent basis again, he could "win me back" he shouldnt have said that.....not to me. I went off....leaned on that ass. I pretty much told them that his bitches have him gassed because his wack ass "personality" couldnt/wouldnt win shit. He said "you're the first to sy so" and he went on about how he supposedly has all these girls(rats)checking for him, but he wants me and that if I didnt take the "oppurtunity" I would be missing out on "a good thing" I said to him, flat out: "regardless of how much you claim to have changed, I know how low you CAN stoop and how far you will go for the sake of keeping a lie alive. Those bitches can have you becase I bet that if they ARE hecking for you, they're actually checking for what they RHINK you are....I've had you...Ive seen you at your worst and your best and had your back during BOTH times in your life. You dont have anything to offer m, because what Jolanda thought she wanted bck then couldnt hold a candle to what Jolanda DEMANDS now.Apples and oranges baby.Im single for fucking reason and Im HAPPY or that same reason, and if I ever wake up and im feeling really really desperate, I'll hit you up, until then, let this shit go. I have love for you, but I don't love you. We could be on an island with no one but eachother for the rest of our lives and NONE of the feelings I used to have for you would come back...you've burned that bridge" he was stunned...mouth open, tears in his eyes....and then it was "time to go" he paid the check, he went to the bathroom, came back in complete silence, walked me to my car, gave me a long ass hug, said he loved me and we went our own seperate ways...I think he got it this time. He knows my heart and knows I hate to hurt people's feelings, so he has to know tht if I said it, I meant it. I just hope that THIS TIME, my past WILL stay in my past
Monday, February 21, 2011
So this post is based upon a bunch of random things going on with me at the current moment.As of right now, at this very moment, I'm CONTENT. I'm "ok"...not happy but not sad either.It's only the 2nd month of the yer and so much has happend ALREADY. I've made ammends with someone who is very important to me; fixed a friendship that undoubtedly ended because of ME, and we are taking baby steps to hopefully get back what we once had (Sheri, If you're reading this, I love you, I'm glad we're talking and I'm sorry, again) and I've kind of ended a friendship that I thought/hoped would last forever(not my fault at all),I've come to some harsh realizations and som beautiful truths.I will be turning 25 in a matter of months and am freaking out! I have so many "wants" in my life and am FINALLY deciding to do what it takes to turn those "Wants" into "haves". Ive realized how many people (guys) are really checking for me(whether I see it or not), I had an amazing v-day that was completely last minute/uber unexpected, I found out how much my big brother/sister in law really support me/have my back,I've forgiven a friend and let go of a grudge I had been holding over something that happend that could not be taken back, Ive decided that I want to move out of Cali in the next 2 years(at the most)I've decided to SERIOUSLY and deligently look for a better job and Ive also decided to get a personal trainer to get me back in shape. I've FINALLY had a heart to heart with my sister about how I feel about our less than Kosher relationship. Ive GROWN in so many ways...any one who knows me, knows that for me, the easiest way to "deal" with a problem is to NOT deal with it at all, and Ive changed that about myself.I love "fixing" problems,friendships,relationships,ect. My confidence has risen;Im content with what I see in the miror, I love myself, flwas and all.Ive been blessed with amazing people that stay in my corner no matter what. I have people I can call when I need to laugh,cry,rant,rave,vent,or get advice from and I see the blessing in that because I used to be such a private/closed off person that no one ever REALLY knew what was going on with me and I carried so much and yet no one had a clue. I've learned to cry when I need to cry and to not be afraid to let go. I've learned that Im living my lif on God's terms and as bad as I may want something/someone/something to happen, if its SUPPOSED to happen it will and I am more than okay with that. I think that more than anything, I just feel like I have this sense of "peace" in my life right now. I don't entertain any drama therefore I have none.I try to find the bright side of every situation because there is ALWAYS a bright side.I take the "high road" in a lot of situations. I laugh a lot more, I smile a lot more....Ihave a lot to be happy about and Im the happiest I've been in a while. Im single and Im fine with that because I don't ever FEEL alone. I feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin which is HUGE for me. I'm making plans (short term) that are attainable and realistic and Im excited about checking them off of my list. Life is good right now, but Im looking for GREAT....I have a pair of little eyes who is watching my every move and hopefullu gaining inspiration from me. I aspire to inspire, or at least display happiness
Stay Beautiful
-J Bellz
Stay Beautiful
-J Bellz
The "Fat Ass" Craze....
This post is one that I have been meaning to do, but wasnt sure as to what angle I should come from. What REALLY pushed me to just go ahead and do it was the recent and VERY unfortunate death of 20 year old Victoria Windslowe. When I heard about the way she died and more importantly how far she went in order to boost her self esteem/self image, it broke my heart. We all have that "thing" that makes us feel self conscious and her body was obviously hers. I can only hope that young girls who are not happy with what they see when they look in the miror learn to embrace what they have and forget what they don't. NO BODY is perfect and the race for perfection is not worth risking your life.......EVER.
That being said, I wanna give MY (and a few other) take on this "Fat Ass" craze that has men and women losing their damn minds...lol
FIRST: Ugly girls with FAT butts
For every Kim K, you have a Buffy the Body; a woman who can very well be a stunt double in The Expendables, but none of that matters to the average nigga who loves to "ooh" and "ahh" despite her face. It's crazy that now days, a pretty girl with an average body will get passed up in a quick one for the girl with the dog face/reindeer ass. Guys don't even LOOK at the fac any more....its all about the ass and average looking chick wont even get a second glance if her ASS didnt catch a guy's eye the first time...smh You have these guys bagging "smuts" just because they have big butts and SWEARING on a sack of bibles that their chick is the baddest.Im not hating on ugly girls with big butts, by all mens, you have it waaaaayyyyy easier than us average/pretty girls cause ur the "fad" right now.You're "in style" just light being light skinned used to be...use that shit to ur advantage because I have friends with big asses and I know there ARE perks...lol
Secondly:The "Fat Ass" by default...lol
There are maaaaadddd bitches who only have "ass" because they are fat. Those are the chicks that actually WEAR Apple Bottom Jeans;they are supposed to sculpt a sloppy ass to make it look the way it's supposed to. I call that ass "soggy" ass...the ass wear when a woman takes of those Apple Bottoms, her ass almost completely falls to the ground...lol/smh NASTY shit...but sadly enough, tons of niggas will still wife Ms. Squarpants because of how she LOOKS in those Apple Bottoms.That shit is nasty to me, just like "fat titties"...but thats another post
Thirdly:Ass,Titties,and Face
There ARE women who posess all 3 of these attributes...not many,though.lol There are the Kim K's,Nicki's,Serena William's,ect Those are the bad ones...you dont see them often, but they re def out there...lol
Lastly:Love Yourself!!
EVERY woman has her positive! EVERY woman poseses SOMETHING about her that is sexy or attractive to a man(or woman, if thats what you like). NO ONE is perfct and we all have our flaws, but so what? I used to be VERY skinny,wore glasses and never felt like I REALLY fit in but I NEVER let that shit show. I carried myself with confidence(it wasnt real confidence, either) and it attracted people to me. You have to carry yourself like you ARE "that bitch" even if you dont feel like it, OWN THAT SHIT!! I dont have the biggest ass in the world(it's nice though...lol) but I KNOW I look good in my jeans and I walk around like Beyonce...I AM "that bitch". My boobs arent the biggest (they're pretty nice though...lol) but I walk around like im the shit. I have such a "take it or leave it" attitude about things and I love that about yourself. Love yourself and everyone else will surely follow......
That being said, I wanna give MY (and a few other) take on this "Fat Ass" craze that has men and women losing their damn minds...lol
FIRST: Ugly girls with FAT butts
For every Kim K, you have a Buffy the Body; a woman who can very well be a stunt double in The Expendables, but none of that matters to the average nigga who loves to "ooh" and "ahh" despite her face. It's crazy that now days, a pretty girl with an average body will get passed up in a quick one for the girl with the dog face/reindeer ass. Guys don't even LOOK at the fac any more....its all about the ass and average looking chick wont even get a second glance if her ASS didnt catch a guy's eye the first time...smh You have these guys bagging "smuts" just because they have big butts and SWEARING on a sack of bibles that their chick is the baddest.Im not hating on ugly girls with big butts, by all mens, you have it waaaaayyyyy easier than us average/pretty girls cause ur the "fad" right now.You're "in style" just light being light skinned used to be...use that shit to ur advantage because I have friends with big asses and I know there ARE perks...lol
Secondly:The "Fat Ass" by default...lol
There are maaaaadddd bitches who only have "ass" because they are fat. Those are the chicks that actually WEAR Apple Bottom Jeans;they are supposed to sculpt a sloppy ass to make it look the way it's supposed to. I call that ass "soggy" ass...the ass wear when a woman takes of those Apple Bottoms, her ass almost completely falls to the ground...lol/smh NASTY shit...but sadly enough, tons of niggas will still wife Ms. Squarpants because of how she LOOKS in those Apple Bottoms.That shit is nasty to me, just like "fat titties"...but thats another post
Thirdly:Ass,Titties,and Face
There ARE women who posess all 3 of these attributes...not many,though.lol There are the Kim K's,Nicki's,Serena William's,ect Those are the bad ones...you dont see them often, but they re def out there...lol
Lastly:Love Yourself!!
EVERY woman has her positive! EVERY woman poseses SOMETHING about her that is sexy or attractive to a man(or woman, if thats what you like). NO ONE is perfct and we all have our flaws, but so what? I used to be VERY skinny,wore glasses and never felt like I REALLY fit in but I NEVER let that shit show. I carried myself with confidence(it wasnt real confidence, either) and it attracted people to me. You have to carry yourself like you ARE "that bitch" even if you dont feel like it, OWN THAT SHIT!! I dont have the biggest ass in the world(it's nice though...lol) but I KNOW I look good in my jeans and I walk around like Beyonce...I AM "that bitch". My boobs arent the biggest (they're pretty nice though...lol) but I walk around like im the shit. I have such a "take it or leave it" attitude about things and I love that about yourself. Love yourself and everyone else will surely follow......
Sunday, February 13, 2011
....But not forever
I could NOT possibly agree any more...
I soooo wouldve believed this,had a man told me that...lol
.....and now you're gone
We MUST...
God"s SWEETEST gift to us all...
I'm the QUEEN of this shit...
It should ALWAYS be magical
We've ALL done it...
My life....In a nutchell...lol
Black has ALWAYS been beautiful...
Hard to trust something(feelings) that can be switched off so easily...
If I were truely an eveil bitch, I'd wanna be her
Classic
Sunday, January 23, 2011
5 Things that have RUINED Black Women
What's happening to Black Girls while Nerds,Inspiring Rappers and social rejects seem to flourish in these "New" technologically advanced times. For some reason, sooooo many BLACK women have gotten off to such a bad start in the past few years, it's truly saddening and sometimes EMBARRASSING to wear the title "BLACK WOMAN" I know everyone is different and should be treated accordingly but we ALL know that that isn't realistic now-a-days or really EVER. Something is happening to Black women though, there is a "defect' in ALL of us and if Doc Brown comes to me and says "Jolie, it's 2011 now, and by the year 2031, ALL decent Black Women, EXCEPT yourself will be EXTINCT" I would believe him because I already see the signs:
*INDIAN HAIR
Black Women will do ANYTHING to get it, they have even PROUDLY boasted about how having that "good shit" sewn into their head tops their list of MUST do's. Women will pay their rent/car not LATE to have a new weave right after pay day. They will even put the shit on lay-away....I didn't even think you could still put shit on lay-away, then I find out you can set up a payment plan for some fucking HAIR!!COME ONNNNNNN,sonn!! In India, they give this shit away (well, the sell it, but for a very small price)...they eat some curry,drink a 5-hour energy and go to the temple and get their hair shaven off. I'm not gunna try and act "Holier than thou" and pretend that I don't like a good weave every NOW AND THEN, but handling my business takes priority over EVERYTHING....ESPECIALLY over a few ounces of Remi. I couldn't imagine spending HUNDREDS, even THOUSANDS of dollars on HAIR!! I feel like it's a woman's job to know how to make herself look good...with or without a weave or, if u do wear a weave, the pricetag shouldnt necissarily determine how good ur shit looks...a real woman knows how to "work her shit" I've only had 2 full weaves in my entire life, I've always done my own hair and I with a good flat iron and ebough Jedi mind control to have my CLIP INS give Naomi Campbells weave a run for her money. BOSS UP,Ladies!
*SKINNY JEANS
Face it: Skinny Jeans are in, but I can't stand to see them worn the wrong way. The skinny jean plague is running Rampant through Urban America. At first it was all good, but then bitches started thinking/acting like skinny jeans were one size fits all . I was shopping one day and went to go try on some clothes, I overheard 2 girls in the fitting room next to me debating on whether one of the friend's should buy some skinnies and I heard one "friend" say "If you can fit into them, you should get them, girl" in the words of Shakespeare "Where fort thou doish that at?" I'm thinking "Skinny jeans aren't pajama pants,bitch! Not everyone looks right in them,therefore not everyone should rock them!" If you squeeze your wide ass in them, it looks like a fight is being waged in your pants.The first victim is taste,second victim is class and the third victim is that poor zipper. If you have thick legs, wear a skirt...men love to see thick thighs accentuated by a tiny(but fitting) skirt. Don't try to keep up with the Keri Hilsons of the world, unless you're willing to eat NOTHING but pussy and celery sticks, like Ms. Keri does(nothing wrong with that, I may add...lol)
*Facebook
I know I'm extremely late, but I have YET to see "The Social Network" but when I do, I hope it begins with a scrolling caption "BEFORE Black People Joined...." and THEN tell the story. If I was white, I'd be racist after seeing how Blacks treat their facebook pages...Black WOMEN in particular. I'm not talking about the "classic" bathroom pics that we ALL have, I'm talking about the dumb ass feed stories and internet slander that goes on all day,every day.Hint: "inseider" or "they know who they are" sounds young as shit and make you look dumb and uber immature. If you have a problem with your cousin's girlfriend, inbox the bitch, or better yet, pick up a phone like the old days. I dodn't sign up to be in the middle of a catfight. Ive also seen women post some of the loneliest, attention grabbing shit I've ever seen in my life. I once saw a girl update her relationship status FOUR times in the span of a week-ONE week. I just felt like if the relationship is THAT rocky,babygirl shouldn't you hold off on letting the internet know you're "engaged" until you actually get the ring, or at LEAST a clean Aids test back that you've been hoping for? Facebook is becoming a mess. Guys stay on Facebook cus they think it's the new Myspace, with bitches who actually respond to messages. WE stay on Facebook because it's the closest thing to a shallow High School experience since, well, High School
*BLACK MEN
As Black women, we are intelligent, sexy and compassionate amongst other things. Of all women, I think the Black Woman has the ability to survive, adapt and basically make something out of nothing, use what we have to get what we want and then some. I thought we would have seen a Black FEMALE President before a Black Male president....so what happend?? NIGGAS.You can take the most put together Black Woman, but once a man puts his hooks in, it's a wrap! I don't care if you're a Law student or working the counter at Jamba Juice, once a nigga dicks you down or talks to you the "right way" you'll throw everything away...we've ALL been there or WILL be at one point o another. And if you don't or haven't, you will at LEAST come close to it.I've been one and have seen a woman who becomes emotionally unhinged after a man did her/does her dirty. Hearing the term "Niggas ain't shit" translated to us as :"BEWARE OF DOG" when we were little.Just like that kid that hard headed kid that throws his ball in the next yard and goes in to get it, knowing he's gunna get a chunk of his ass bitten off if he does. As Black Women, we will read all the books, memorize EVERY issue of Cosmo,exchange horror stories of how/why "NIGGAS AIN'T SHIT" with our girls,see ALL the warning signs and bear YEARS of experience---but if a nigga's game is tight enough, we will re-enter that "yard" KNOWING our ass is grass.SMH
*NICKI MINAJ
This bitch(who's music I adore, for the most part) has driven Black Women fucking MAD!! She has Whoopi Goldberg looking bitches calling themselves "Barbie", she has bitches thinking it's okay to rock bleach-blonde hair,regardless of their complexion.She has every female from the age of like 13 to like 34 changing their last name on myspace ti "Minaj", she has gay guys thinking that wearing pink and wearing a pink wig/taking "sexy" pictures makes them look like a "Barbie"....her whole image has taken the eff over!! Black Women have lost their damn minds! I love Nicki(been rocking with her and her music from day one...BIG fan) but if I see one more(just one) fat black woman rocking a catsuit,trying to be like Nicki/partially blinding us ALL...I'm gunna flip my lid!! Ro-Ro- Roger THAT!
*INDIAN HAIR
Black Women will do ANYTHING to get it, they have even PROUDLY boasted about how having that "good shit" sewn into their head tops their list of MUST do's. Women will pay their rent/car not LATE to have a new weave right after pay day. They will even put the shit on lay-away....I didn't even think you could still put shit on lay-away, then I find out you can set up a payment plan for some fucking HAIR!!COME ONNNNNNN,sonn!! In India, they give this shit away (well, the sell it, but for a very small price)...they eat some curry,drink a 5-hour energy and go to the temple and get their hair shaven off. I'm not gunna try and act "Holier than thou" and pretend that I don't like a good weave every NOW AND THEN, but handling my business takes priority over EVERYTHING....ESPECIALLY over a few ounces of Remi. I couldn't imagine spending HUNDREDS, even THOUSANDS of dollars on HAIR!! I feel like it's a woman's job to know how to make herself look good...with or without a weave or, if u do wear a weave, the pricetag shouldnt necissarily determine how good ur shit looks...a real woman knows how to "work her shit" I've only had 2 full weaves in my entire life, I've always done my own hair and I with a good flat iron and ebough Jedi mind control to have my CLIP INS give Naomi Campbells weave a run for her money. BOSS UP,Ladies!
*SKINNY JEANS
Face it: Skinny Jeans are in, but I can't stand to see them worn the wrong way. The skinny jean plague is running Rampant through Urban America. At first it was all good, but then bitches started thinking/acting like skinny jeans were one size fits all . I was shopping one day and went to go try on some clothes, I overheard 2 girls in the fitting room next to me debating on whether one of the friend's should buy some skinnies and I heard one "friend" say "If you can fit into them, you should get them, girl" in the words of Shakespeare "Where fort thou doish that at?" I'm thinking "Skinny jeans aren't pajama pants,bitch! Not everyone looks right in them,therefore not everyone should rock them!" If you squeeze your wide ass in them, it looks like a fight is being waged in your pants.The first victim is taste,second victim is class and the third victim is that poor zipper. If you have thick legs, wear a skirt...men love to see thick thighs accentuated by a tiny(but fitting) skirt. Don't try to keep up with the Keri Hilsons of the world, unless you're willing to eat NOTHING but pussy and celery sticks, like Ms. Keri does(nothing wrong with that, I may add...lol)
I know I'm extremely late, but I have YET to see "The Social Network" but when I do, I hope it begins with a scrolling caption "BEFORE Black People Joined...." and THEN tell the story. If I was white, I'd be racist after seeing how Blacks treat their facebook pages...Black WOMEN in particular. I'm not talking about the "classic" bathroom pics that we ALL have, I'm talking about the dumb ass feed stories and internet slander that goes on all day,every day.Hint: "inseider" or "they know who they are" sounds young as shit and make you look dumb and uber immature. If you have a problem with your cousin's girlfriend, inbox the bitch, or better yet, pick up a phone like the old days. I dodn't sign up to be in the middle of a catfight. Ive also seen women post some of the loneliest, attention grabbing shit I've ever seen in my life. I once saw a girl update her relationship status FOUR times in the span of a week-ONE week. I just felt like if the relationship is THAT rocky,babygirl shouldn't you hold off on letting the internet know you're "engaged" until you actually get the ring, or at LEAST a clean Aids test back that you've been hoping for? Facebook is becoming a mess. Guys stay on Facebook cus they think it's the new Myspace, with bitches who actually respond to messages. WE stay on Facebook because it's the closest thing to a shallow High School experience since, well, High School
*BLACK MEN
As Black women, we are intelligent, sexy and compassionate amongst other things. Of all women, I think the Black Woman has the ability to survive, adapt and basically make something out of nothing, use what we have to get what we want and then some. I thought we would have seen a Black FEMALE President before a Black Male president....so what happend?? NIGGAS.You can take the most put together Black Woman, but once a man puts his hooks in, it's a wrap! I don't care if you're a Law student or working the counter at Jamba Juice, once a nigga dicks you down or talks to you the "right way" you'll throw everything away...we've ALL been there or WILL be at one point o another. And if you don't or haven't, you will at LEAST come close to it.I've been one and have seen a woman who becomes emotionally unhinged after a man did her/does her dirty. Hearing the term "Niggas ain't shit" translated to us as :"BEWARE OF DOG" when we were little.Just like that kid that hard headed kid that throws his ball in the next yard and goes in to get it, knowing he's gunna get a chunk of his ass bitten off if he does. As Black Women, we will read all the books, memorize EVERY issue of Cosmo,exchange horror stories of how/why "NIGGAS AIN'T SHIT" with our girls,see ALL the warning signs and bear YEARS of experience---but if a nigga's game is tight enough, we will re-enter that "yard" KNOWING our ass is grass.SMH
*NICKI MINAJ
This bitch(who's music I adore, for the most part) has driven Black Women fucking MAD!! She has Whoopi Goldberg looking bitches calling themselves "Barbie", she has bitches thinking it's okay to rock bleach-blonde hair,regardless of their complexion.She has every female from the age of like 13 to like 34 changing their last name on myspace ti "Minaj", she has gay guys thinking that wearing pink and wearing a pink wig/taking "sexy" pictures makes them look like a "Barbie"....her whole image has taken the eff over!! Black Women have lost their damn minds! I love Nicki(been rocking with her and her music from day one...BIG fan) but if I see one more(just one) fat black woman rocking a catsuit,trying to be like Nicki/partially blinding us ALL...I'm gunna flip my lid!! Ro-Ro- Roger THAT!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
This post is one that I probably should have started the year off with BUT better late than never, I guess. I just want to encourage EVERYONE to follow their dreams. WHATEVER your dream may be, no matter how big or small, no matter how impossible it may seem, follow that shit until you live it. I'm def going to practice what I preach in many different ways.As you know, at one point in time modeling was my biggest dream. I wanted to model more than I wanted to live, but growing up the way I did, I gave that dream up after years of no support from the person I felt I needed it from never happend. My brother's ex girlfriend wants me to persue modeling soooooooo bed. She is ALWAYS hitting me up with info on casting calls, ect. And just recently, my brother actually told me that I was beautiful and that modeling was my calling and NOT to deny that part of my life. It always feels so nice to hear people ask if I model or suggest that I do so. Modeling is just one of many dreams that I am going to try and persue. I just have to stop second guessing myself on things.I want to be an inspiration to my son to show him that sky really is the limit and that he can do ANYTHING he wants and I def want to lead by example and SHOW him as opposed to just TELLING him. I dont want to make this a long and drawn out post, so I will keep it simple in saying:FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!! If you've always dreamt of being a professional Ninja Turtle, DO THAT SHIT!! We only get one life and any and everything we want is ours for the taking!! Dream big and work hard!! Own this year!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Had a conversation with a pretty close male friend and we were talking about WHY we feel we're single,what we want in a person,and things like that and he said something that kind of threw me. He told me that I was a lot of what he wanted in a woman and that he found himself comparing women that considered dating to ME(personality wise) and he also said that the main reason he had never pressed me was because he valued our friendship too much and didn't want to think of us potentially breaking up and breaking OFF our friendship. He said everything all casual like like it was no big deal....the way of a man, I guess. I was very flattered and it just solidified the fact that you NEVER really know who's "watching you" and you never REALLY know how much of an impact you can make on someone's life without realizing they even care enough to notice. This reminded me of the movie "Just Wright" a little bit, because of the way Queen Latifah's character in the movie was "sticking to the script" so to speak with her "relationship" with Common's character(she never tried to press, kept things kosher), the same way I have with this friend and unbeknownst to me AND Queen Latifah's character, someone was taking notice. Someone who I didn't think cared enough(in that way) to care enough to notice at all.I think it ALL comes down to personality and a person's heart. I like to make people laugh...I like to laugh. I'm the first to laugh at myself or call MYSELF out. What you see is what you get with me, I don't have many angles,I lay my cards out on the table, and I have such a "take it or leave it" attitude, it's ridiculous...lol I'm full of flaws,but I'm stitched together with good intentions. I don't claim to be "different", I just don't try to be the same. I'm ME,I never switch up...I stay true by any means necessary and I think people take notice. I don't "try"...trying can get tiring after a long time of doing it and I can be a lazy bum sometimes...lol I don't really know what the main point in this post is, so I will just make one up. BE YOU, by any means.....BE YOU. You NEVER know who's watching/taking notice. A genuine person is the most beautiful of them all.If you are genuinely a BITCH, BE that 7 days a week.No matter who/what you are,OWN that shit.....that's what makes you,YOU and sets you apart from the rest of them...don't try to blend in, if you're on some OTHER shit, STAY on it.At the end of the day, you are who you are, regardless of what you let other people see...why NOT let them see it.Personality is attractive, having a confident/STRONG personality is even sexier. Be you, you sexy bitch!! LOL
Sincerely Yours
-J Bellz
Sincerely Yours
-J Bellz
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Focusing on Staying Focused
So, it's 2011, I will be 25 this year(Ugh, I can't cope....),my son will be 5, and on my list of accomplishments, I draw a blank. This saddens me, so. It's weird because by the time I was 18 and left home, I had an idea of what my life would "end up" being like.....what my life turned out to be is the polar opposite.
I was a lot like Joan from Girlfriends.....By 30 I wanted to be finished with school,pursuing a successful career,married(or engaged),child-less, and HAPPY. Yeah, that was my plan....but LIFE happend. Im not going to go into detail about what "went wrong" or anything.....instead, I will just "RE-WRITE" my plan, and this time, I'll be sure to include reality.
My plans are a lot of what they were when I was that 18 year old girl, in my room "planning" my life BEFORE I left home, thinking that because I was "planning" before acting, the chips would fall in the right order.
*School. I've decided to go back. What's kept me from going back sooner, was a combination of being unsure of what I wanted to go to school FOR,not having time to go(my son wasn't in school),and my second guessing myself(as I ALWAYS do). I've decided that I want to WRITE.Writing has ALWAYS been my "escape". I write everything. I LOVE words, so I'm going to do something with that love. I want to be a journalist,an editor,SOMETHING. I'm just ready to move forward with school and get it OVER with.
*Work. I'm going to find another job A-S-A-P.I like my job and I adore the people that I work with, BUT with every passing day, I see/FEEL myself getting too comfortable in this job, which realistically is a dead-end job. I was going to use my vacation time up(I'm supposed to go to Baltimore and New York in June) and THEN seek other employment, but why wait?? I feel like my "Vacation" EXCUSE is just a way for me to buy time....Im not doing it. I'm still planning my vacay, BUT I'm also going to be ACTIVELY seeking other employment. If I find a job then my vacay is obviously out and if I don't, I'll still take my vacay,all the while,job-hunting
*Life. I'm ALWAYS striving to be a better person. I just feel like there are more than enough douche bags in the world,without me adding to. I just live by the code:"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" it's that simple. I know it's easier said than done, and you might ask "what do you do when you're dealing with an asshole?" my answer is"I don't". I surround myself with an awesome crowd. I don't deal with negative people(on purpose). All in All, I think I'm a pretty good person. I'm honest(sometimes brutally),I'm open and accepting,Im caring and nurturing by nature, I actually give a shit about people. I pray for my friends and family, I give my tithes and offerings EVERY week(I cant go to church because I get off sunday mornings and dont wanna fall asleep in church...go ahead, judge me),ect. I think Im "good" but I want to be better. Nothing wrong with a daily upgrade
*Diet. So I decided to stop stressing over my weight. I've ALSO decided to TRY to become a vegetarian and work out at least 3 times a week.I'm not doing either to lose weight(well, maybe the working out....I mean, who just works out for fun?!?!)I'm finally learning to accept what I see in the mirror. My weight IS something that haunts me,though and it isn't the easiest thing to transition from being really skinny and able to eat whatever I wanted and NOT gain weight to feeling like I have to watch everything that I eat. I NEVER say anything when I'm eating with/around friends, but what I eat/how MUCH I eat is ALWAYS in the back of my mind, because I know that I can't eat what I want,anymore. It's hard and no one gets it because to them I look "fine". It's a struggle. Im going to do my part and let the chips fall where they may. God gave me this body and I'm stuck with it,whether I want to be or not....it's about time I start embracing it and finding comfort in everyone else liking what they see,when they look at me.
*Life in General. I plan on "changing" a bit. I plan to be more open, live in the moment,stop over thinking things,I plan on traveling,taking more "me" time. I plan to be OUT of California by the time I'm 27. I don't know WHERE I will end up, but it will not be in California. I want my son to experience life outside of Los Angeles,which is ALL he knows, so far. I'm over Cali...it's over populated,over priced,and over rated. I'm DONE. I'm gunna start thinking of what state I want to move to. 2 Years is not very long to plan your life in another state, but I shall Try
*Relationships. I'm SINGLE and have been for almost a year and a half (YIKES!) and I've convinced myself that I was content with loneliness because I knew that for a little bit of that time, I was still partially emotionally invested in my ex. I wanted nothing with/from him but I still had feelings that hadn't ended with the relationship. I chose to completely cut him out of my life; not respond to texts,calls,emails,act so that I could get over that situation. Mission:Accomplished.Even still, when he and I first broke up, I dated....A LOT, and when I finally accepted WHY I was going out so much with different guys that I had ZERO interest in, I stopped dating.The thing is, I know myself and if I do something out of the norm, I question MYSELF before anyone else can. I've been single and happy for the most part. I def have my days where Im like, "fuck this shit" and consider a relationship but I don't know that Im ready for one,OR if it's REALLY what I want. I think more than anything, Im turning into a man....I want "nigga shit"; someone to go out with when I feel like going out,someone to bone whenever I want on some NSA shit,someone to cuddle up with at night(not so nigga-like,but still..lol) I just want somebody when I WANT somebody.I don't want the emotional obligation that comes along with a RELATIONSHIP. I wanna fall asleep on the phone, "good morning" texts,date nights,good sex,ect. I want every part of a RELATIONSHIP, WITHOUT the commitment.
All in All, I think my plans are VERY realistic and very achievable. Ain't nothin' to it but to do it, and that is my plan. Im gunna really stick to the script and make shit happends. My son is getting older and older and when someone asks him what his mommy does for a living, I want him to be proud of his answer. I don't just live for myself, I have a set of little(and perfectly symetrical) eyes watching and learning from me EVERYDAY. Being a "Good Mom" is a HUGE task that I don't take lightly. God will never give me more than I can handle and I take comfort in that.
I was a lot like Joan from Girlfriends.....By 30 I wanted to be finished with school,pursuing a successful career,married(or engaged),child-less, and HAPPY. Yeah, that was my plan....but LIFE happend. Im not going to go into detail about what "went wrong" or anything.....instead, I will just "RE-WRITE" my plan, and this time, I'll be sure to include reality.
My plans are a lot of what they were when I was that 18 year old girl, in my room "planning" my life BEFORE I left home, thinking that because I was "planning" before acting, the chips would fall in the right order.
*School. I've decided to go back. What's kept me from going back sooner, was a combination of being unsure of what I wanted to go to school FOR,not having time to go(my son wasn't in school),and my second guessing myself(as I ALWAYS do). I've decided that I want to WRITE.Writing has ALWAYS been my "escape". I write everything. I LOVE words, so I'm going to do something with that love. I want to be a journalist,an editor,SOMETHING. I'm just ready to move forward with school and get it OVER with.
*Work. I'm going to find another job A-S-A-P.I like my job and I adore the people that I work with, BUT with every passing day, I see/FEEL myself getting too comfortable in this job, which realistically is a dead-end job. I was going to use my vacation time up(I'm supposed to go to Baltimore and New York in June) and THEN seek other employment, but why wait?? I feel like my "Vacation" EXCUSE is just a way for me to buy time....Im not doing it. I'm still planning my vacay, BUT I'm also going to be ACTIVELY seeking other employment. If I find a job then my vacay is obviously out and if I don't, I'll still take my vacay,all the while,job-hunting
*Life. I'm ALWAYS striving to be a better person. I just feel like there are more than enough douche bags in the world,without me adding to. I just live by the code:"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" it's that simple. I know it's easier said than done, and you might ask "what do you do when you're dealing with an asshole?" my answer is"I don't". I surround myself with an awesome crowd. I don't deal with negative people(on purpose). All in All, I think I'm a pretty good person. I'm honest(sometimes brutally),I'm open and accepting,Im caring and nurturing by nature, I actually give a shit about people. I pray for my friends and family, I give my tithes and offerings EVERY week(I cant go to church because I get off sunday mornings and dont wanna fall asleep in church...go ahead, judge me),ect. I think Im "good" but I want to be better. Nothing wrong with a daily upgrade
*Diet. So I decided to stop stressing over my weight. I've ALSO decided to TRY to become a vegetarian and work out at least 3 times a week.I'm not doing either to lose weight(well, maybe the working out....I mean, who just works out for fun?!?!)I'm finally learning to accept what I see in the mirror. My weight IS something that haunts me,though and it isn't the easiest thing to transition from being really skinny and able to eat whatever I wanted and NOT gain weight to feeling like I have to watch everything that I eat. I NEVER say anything when I'm eating with/around friends, but what I eat/how MUCH I eat is ALWAYS in the back of my mind, because I know that I can't eat what I want,anymore. It's hard and no one gets it because to them I look "fine". It's a struggle. Im going to do my part and let the chips fall where they may. God gave me this body and I'm stuck with it,whether I want to be or not....it's about time I start embracing it and finding comfort in everyone else liking what they see,when they look at me.
*Life in General. I plan on "changing" a bit. I plan to be more open, live in the moment,stop over thinking things,I plan on traveling,taking more "me" time. I plan to be OUT of California by the time I'm 27. I don't know WHERE I will end up, but it will not be in California. I want my son to experience life outside of Los Angeles,which is ALL he knows, so far. I'm over Cali...it's over populated,over priced,and over rated. I'm DONE. I'm gunna start thinking of what state I want to move to. 2 Years is not very long to plan your life in another state, but I shall Try
*Relationships. I'm SINGLE and have been for almost a year and a half (YIKES!) and I've convinced myself that I was content with loneliness because I knew that for a little bit of that time, I was still partially emotionally invested in my ex. I wanted nothing with/from him but I still had feelings that hadn't ended with the relationship. I chose to completely cut him out of my life; not respond to texts,calls,emails,act so that I could get over that situation. Mission:Accomplished.Even still, when he and I first broke up, I dated....A LOT, and when I finally accepted WHY I was going out so much with different guys that I had ZERO interest in, I stopped dating.The thing is, I know myself and if I do something out of the norm, I question MYSELF before anyone else can. I've been single and happy for the most part. I def have my days where Im like, "fuck this shit" and consider a relationship but I don't know that Im ready for one,OR if it's REALLY what I want. I think more than anything, Im turning into a man....I want "nigga shit"; someone to go out with when I feel like going out,someone to bone whenever I want on some NSA shit,someone to cuddle up with at night(not so nigga-like,but still..lol) I just want somebody when I WANT somebody.I don't want the emotional obligation that comes along with a RELATIONSHIP. I wanna fall asleep on the phone, "good morning" texts,date nights,good sex,ect. I want every part of a RELATIONSHIP, WITHOUT the commitment.
All in All, I think my plans are VERY realistic and very achievable. Ain't nothin' to it but to do it, and that is my plan. Im gunna really stick to the script and make shit happends. My son is getting older and older and when someone asks him what his mommy does for a living, I want him to be proud of his answer. I don't just live for myself, I have a set of little(and perfectly symetrical) eyes watching and learning from me EVERYDAY. Being a "Good Mom" is a HUGE task that I don't take lightly. God will never give me more than I can handle and I take comfort in that.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
2010....in Retrospect
In 2010, I cried,I laughed,I fell down & got back up,I loved and almost hated,I messed up & made a mends,I took people for granted & appreciated,I gave & I lost,I made some of the BEST and hardest decisions I've ever had to, I've held on to people & let go of others 2010 has been one of the best years of my life. I've grown so much in this year and can HONESTLY say I have no regrets. This was a year of me "going with the flow of things" instead of over thinking things. I've been VERY blessed, and I have NO regrets for this year. I appreciate every tear I shed, for every time I felt like giving up and didn't, for every morning I didn't feel like getting out of bed but DID,for every time I chose to take the high road and be the "bigger" person,for moving forward with my makeup thing,forspeaking up for myself,for having fun,for being accepting,for striving to be the best example for my son,for saving face and staying strond,for every time I laughed and every time I cried.....I'M GRATEFUL. I decided NOT to come up with a list of New Year's resolutions. Instead of a LIST, I have just one: To follow my heart. In ANY and EVERY situation, FOLLOW MY HEART.If it feels right,do it......PERIOD. I tend to OVER think things, and sometimes my THINKING over shadows my FEELINGS. I literally think away my feelings/emotions on a lot of things/in a lot of situations.I'm a "thinker" and if something doesn't make sense "on paper" I go othe other way, instead of taking a chance. I will be 25 in a matter of months....it's time to start living(like REALLY living),having fun,living in the moment/FOR the moment(not all the time though, cus that shit can get crazy...see?I'm thinking,again...lol/smh) taking chances,ect. I'm ready to L-I-V-E. I have a lot of things planned for next year/ a LOT of hopes. I'm excited to see what this year will bring, in EVERY aspect of my life....there are some minor details in my life I DO plan on changing, but we shall see. Thank You 2010 for showing me so much love and making so many things happen to/for me.I'm grateful and I know 2011 will be EPIC.
Cheers to 2010 & Big Ups to 2011
-J Bellz
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
REALITY check....Please
Okay, so I want to discuss the ability/INability to seperate LOGIC from EMOTION.Some people are walking through life CONFUSED. SOME people seem to think that BONING someone is the equivalent to being in a RELATIONSHIP.
MOST of these confused-ass people are females. I'm sooo NOT saying that men DON'T do it,but women are definitely far more guilty of it due to our emotional nature...I THINK that's why,at least.But, let me break a few things down that I've seen/heard/LEARNED over the years.
First, I wanna address the "fuck buddy"/friends with "benefits" issue first. Okay...having sex and hanging out with a man occasionally doesn't mean he's your "boyfriend" or that you are his "girlfriend" nor are you entitled to any boyfriend/girlfriend treatment. A relationship only exists when BOTH parties involved have a mutual understanding/agreement that that's what they BOTH want/have. If you're allowing a guy an all access pass to your lady parts,you have to set the standard of what you're gunna accept from him/know what you're dealing with.IF you're perfectly fine with giving a man who is NOT YOUR man,a free coupon to your all you can eat buffet,so be it(please use protection though, who know's who else he's dealing with)If you have allowed your emotions to get involved, you might(definitely) want to make sure, he's on the same page as you.
Another thing: If there is never an agreement reached that you guys are in a relationship,it's NOT a relationship! Regardless of how long he's been smashing you,no matter how many pairs of j's you've bought him,ect. THAT man is NOT YOUR man. Soooooo, you DON'T have the right to:
1.Question him regarding his whereabouts
2.get mad at him for not answering his phone/returning your calls in a timely manner
3.accuse him of "cheating" on you...lol
4.be upset if/when he flirts with,or even BONES some other chick
5. expect him to care about your feelings if you find out about it
Those ar just a few, but I'm sure you get my point.Don't just ASSUME your role in a man's life,step paway from your emotions and analyze the situation-KNOW(NOT assume) where you stand! Once you know that,either get comfortable in THAT position and sit down and take your seat,or walk away and find someone who gives a damn about your vagina AND your feelings and is willing to give you want and deserve.If you ever feel like a man is "playing" you and you feel the urge to call him an asshole or whatever,ask yourself if you allowed any of it by continuing to deal with him and his "asshole" behavior.If you have, then you need to point the finger at YOURSELF-you're the asshole for accepting less than your worth when deep inside you knew better(we ALWAYS know better...smh)Just because a man isn't ready to settle down doesn't make him an asshole.Now if he lied to you or misled you, than YES, he's an asshole(unless he did it more than once-you should be on your toes at that point).But if you saw red flags and ignored them any ways,YOU are the one to blame.Most of the time, a female will get mad at a guy for "doing them wrong" because their feelings are hurt,so instinctively, they(we) just get upset. But maybe she should pump her brakes,recall his "track" record,remember her title/place and realize that the person she needs to be upset with is herself. I know this situation all too well. In my last relationship, my bf at the time, put me through a LOT of shit. We were CONSTANTLY into it about "this bitch" or "that bitch" or why he lied about this or that,ect. So one day, I was just fed up and i "Broke up with him". I used the quotes, because I didnt really break up with him as in REALLY ending things, I simply said to him"I don't wanna do this anymore....I CANT do this anymore, so I'm not.....DO YOU"..... we had sex twice that night(lol) and the next day, I got a call from a friend, saying she saw him at "OUR" movie theatre with some breezy. I call him...VOICEMAIL. I get a text right after I called him saying "I'm at the group home(he worked at a group home), talking to my supervisor, I'll call you when he leaves" I was LIVID, I was seeing red. I could not wait to "bust him out" An hour later, he calls. I don't answer. He calls again, I don't answer. So he keeps calling and I didnt answer...I couldnt answer, what I needed to say needed to be said in person,face to face. He comes home, yelling at me about not answering MY fucking phone(nigga what??) so I ask him,FLAT out "Who were you at the movies with" he lied about the whole thing and I go OFF. I'm telling him how I dont deserve that, how I can do so much better, how I cant believe he would do that to me and make me look stupid in front of my friends,ect. Then, as I was yelling, he grabbed me and looked me straight in the eye and yelled "But, Im not your boyfreeeeeeiiiiiiinnnnnnddddddd!!!" he said some other shit about how I broke up with him, blah,blah,bla. But "I'm not your boyfriend" was all I heard and those words cut like a knife. I felt so dumb. I had said it was over, before I REALLY wanted it to be and I confused my fucking him that night with us getting back together....I played MYSELF.
Sex is a BIG thing for (most) females, and that's why when we bone someone, we feel like we're giving them the world....we're giving OUR world. I'm not built for a flat out "fuck buddy" situation. I'm very picky about who I give my goods to, and I know my goods are far too good to be given without a commitment. My motto is and has always been: If I fuck u, I OWN you...lol. It's that simple...lol
Sex is such a big thing to females, but a lot of them use no discression as to who they give their goods too, and a lot of them feel like they can change a man THROUGH sex, you may change him while he's in it, but a man is going to be a man,regardless. If a female enables a man to be an "asshole" by constantly forgiving him or choosing to look past certain things,that's HER fault.You can call him trifling or you can call yourself a fool,but which one REALLY makes sense? Okay then.
The bottom line is if you're NOT his "girlfriend" then don't expect much in terms of respect or common courtesy. You simply aren't entitled to those things if the main purpose you serve in his life is to be a warm and cozy place for him to park his dick in, from time to time, whenever he HAS time/feels like it.Bottom line: There are far too many fich in the sea for ANY woman to settle for anything less than what she is worth/desires. If all YOU want is a fuckbuddy, do YOU, by all means, but if you want something meaningful, keep your legs closed until you have an agreement. Not saying that by NOT giving up the goods, will higher ur chances of having a REAL relationship(well, I guess I kinda AM saying that...lol) but at leass, at the end of the day, you won't be left high and dry(and having to add another name to your list of sex partners) because you gave in,BEFORE any level of respect was established. I'm just saying....you may agree with me 110% OR you may be in denial and are against EVERYTHING I'm saying.....either way, by all means, DO YOU!
MOST of these confused-ass people are females. I'm sooo NOT saying that men DON'T do it,but women are definitely far more guilty of it due to our emotional nature...I THINK that's why,at least.But, let me break a few things down that I've seen/heard/LEARNED over the years.
First, I wanna address the "fuck buddy"/friends with "benefits" issue first. Okay...having sex and hanging out with a man occasionally doesn't mean he's your "boyfriend" or that you are his "girlfriend" nor are you entitled to any boyfriend/girlfriend treatment. A relationship only exists when BOTH parties involved have a mutual understanding/agreement that that's what they BOTH want/have. If you're allowing a guy an all access pass to your lady parts,you have to set the standard of what you're gunna accept from him/know what you're dealing with.IF you're perfectly fine with giving a man who is NOT YOUR man,a free coupon to your all you can eat buffet,so be it(please use protection though, who know's who else he's dealing with)If you have allowed your emotions to get involved, you might(definitely) want to make sure, he's on the same page as you.
Another thing: If there is never an agreement reached that you guys are in a relationship,it's NOT a relationship! Regardless of how long he's been smashing you,no matter how many pairs of j's you've bought him,ect. THAT man is NOT YOUR man. Soooooo, you DON'T have the right to:
1.Question him regarding his whereabouts
2.get mad at him for not answering his phone/returning your calls in a timely manner
3.accuse him of "cheating" on you...lol
4.be upset if/when he flirts with,or even BONES some other chick
5. expect him to care about your feelings if you find out about it
Those ar just a few, but I'm sure you get my point.Don't just ASSUME your role in a man's life,step paway from your emotions and analyze the situation-KNOW(NOT assume) where you stand! Once you know that,either get comfortable in THAT position and sit down and take your seat,or walk away and find someone who gives a damn about your vagina AND your feelings and is willing to give you want and deserve.If you ever feel like a man is "playing" you and you feel the urge to call him an asshole or whatever,ask yourself if you allowed any of it by continuing to deal with him and his "asshole" behavior.If you have, then you need to point the finger at YOURSELF-you're the asshole for accepting less than your worth when deep inside you knew better(we ALWAYS know better...smh)Just because a man isn't ready to settle down doesn't make him an asshole.Now if he lied to you or misled you, than YES, he's an asshole(unless he did it more than once-you should be on your toes at that point).But if you saw red flags and ignored them any ways,YOU are the one to blame.Most of the time, a female will get mad at a guy for "doing them wrong" because their feelings are hurt,so instinctively, they(we) just get upset. But maybe she should pump her brakes,recall his "track" record,remember her title/place and realize that the person she needs to be upset with is herself. I know this situation all too well. In my last relationship, my bf at the time, put me through a LOT of shit. We were CONSTANTLY into it about "this bitch" or "that bitch" or why he lied about this or that,ect. So one day, I was just fed up and i "Broke up with him". I used the quotes, because I didnt really break up with him as in REALLY ending things, I simply said to him"I don't wanna do this anymore....I CANT do this anymore, so I'm not.....DO YOU"..... we had sex twice that night(lol) and the next day, I got a call from a friend, saying she saw him at "OUR" movie theatre with some breezy. I call him...VOICEMAIL. I get a text right after I called him saying "I'm at the group home(he worked at a group home), talking to my supervisor, I'll call you when he leaves" I was LIVID, I was seeing red. I could not wait to "bust him out" An hour later, he calls. I don't answer. He calls again, I don't answer. So he keeps calling and I didnt answer...I couldnt answer, what I needed to say needed to be said in person,face to face. He comes home, yelling at me about not answering MY fucking phone(nigga what??) so I ask him,FLAT out "Who were you at the movies with" he lied about the whole thing and I go OFF. I'm telling him how I dont deserve that, how I can do so much better, how I cant believe he would do that to me and make me look stupid in front of my friends,ect. Then, as I was yelling, he grabbed me and looked me straight in the eye and yelled "But, Im not your boyfreeeeeeiiiiiiinnnnnnddddddd!!!" he said some other shit about how I broke up with him, blah,blah,bla. But "I'm not your boyfriend" was all I heard and those words cut like a knife. I felt so dumb. I had said it was over, before I REALLY wanted it to be and I confused my fucking him that night with us getting back together....I played MYSELF.
Sex is a BIG thing for (most) females, and that's why when we bone someone, we feel like we're giving them the world....we're giving OUR world. I'm not built for a flat out "fuck buddy" situation. I'm very picky about who I give my goods to, and I know my goods are far too good to be given without a commitment. My motto is and has always been: If I fuck u, I OWN you...lol. It's that simple...lol
Sex is such a big thing to females, but a lot of them use no discression as to who they give their goods too, and a lot of them feel like they can change a man THROUGH sex, you may change him while he's in it, but a man is going to be a man,regardless. If a female enables a man to be an "asshole" by constantly forgiving him or choosing to look past certain things,that's HER fault.You can call him trifling or you can call yourself a fool,but which one REALLY makes sense? Okay then.
The bottom line is if you're NOT his "girlfriend" then don't expect much in terms of respect or common courtesy. You simply aren't entitled to those things if the main purpose you serve in his life is to be a warm and cozy place for him to park his dick in, from time to time, whenever he HAS time/feels like it.Bottom line: There are far too many fich in the sea for ANY woman to settle for anything less than what she is worth/desires. If all YOU want is a fuckbuddy, do YOU, by all means, but if you want something meaningful, keep your legs closed until you have an agreement. Not saying that by NOT giving up the goods, will higher ur chances of having a REAL relationship(well, I guess I kinda AM saying that...lol) but at leass, at the end of the day, you won't be left high and dry(and having to add another name to your list of sex partners) because you gave in,BEFORE any level of respect was established. I'm just saying....you may agree with me 110% OR you may be in denial and are against EVERYTHING I'm saying.....either way, by all means, DO YOU!
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Allow me to RE-introduce myself...
So, the year is almost at it's end and there are some things that I want to share/get off of my chest(and into the atmosphere). Nothing too juicy, just a little more of myself(wait, but I AM quite juicy...never mind....Different post)This is Part 1 of a 3-Part post that I want to do,To kind of, give you a better understanding of ME. I get people who tell me ALL the time how "strong" I am. I AM strong, but I wasn't always like this There are MANY things that I feel have contributed to my strength,ESPECIALLY this year.
First thing's first: I created a blog,which I'm so proud of. Anyone who knows me, knows that for me, it's ALWAYS been easier for me to WRITE my feelings, as oppose to SPEAK them. And whats more, for me to actually EXPRESS my feelings in any way, to anyone OTHER than God, is HUGE, in itself.
Now to the "shoulda,coulda,woulda's: This blog should have been created 4 years ago....Pros: I was 20 years old,127 pounds,had so much MORE to say,so much more time to dedicate to it.and I was fucking FABULOUS. I slept 3 hours a night,did WHATEVER I wanted,SAID whatever I wanted,WHENEVER I wanted, It was all about me-me-me and I didnt make time for anyone who didn't act accordingly. I shopped,went out when I wanted to, had a huge circle of friends who were just as blissfully naive as I was,I ate whatever I wanted and maintained a 6-pack that (at the time) could give Ciara a run for her money,I could do cartwheels in heels and could run an 8-minute mile effortlessly.I didn't care about anything, or anyone(it wasnt as bad as it sounds, I promise)....in short, I was Kanye West circa 2009...a douchebag,if you will...much too selfish,jaded,and unfocused to do anything but self-destruct....5-4-3-2-1....BOOM (literally) I got knocked up....by my "High School Sweetheart" the man I planned to marry,ect.(what a douchebag HE turned out to be...smh) and in a matter of what seemed like milliseconds, I went from eyeliner to eyedrops, from nail files to nail clippers,from going out to staying in,from a size 0/1 to a size 4(or 5, depending on the brand). Life has CHANGED. I now share my C.O. Bigelow Lip Balm with a male,rambunctious mini-me.It's a happy marriage of BeBe and Bob The Builder......4 years in, and I would do it ALL over again. I've changed...boy have I changed, and I ADORE the woman I've become.She is strong,independent,caring,loving,understanding,nurturing,patient,and a M.I.L.F for SURE.The best part of my journey has been finding the medium between my FORMER self and my PRESENT self. I may not dance under flashing lights anymore, but I dance to Coldplay with my son in the kitchen. I may not go to clubs, but I have just as much fun at the park, I've given up late-nights for early-mornings and I can take a THOROUGH shower in 3 minutes flat. I've learned so much.
I guess the point of this specific post is just to say that there is no specific "formula" or "blueprint" for life, and the more you plan,the harder it will be to accept life, when things DONT go as planned. I didn't know EXACTLY how I wanted my life to be, BUT I had an idea.....and having a kid was NOWHERE on my agenda (I NEVER wanted to have kids) but a higher power had a plan that was different from what I thought things would have been. I've made a lot of bad decisions in my day, but, I think I've made a LOT more "RIGHT" decisions and I think that my life is reflective of that.
I'm not one of those people that will tell you to "go in order" or "eat all of your veggies"...and that's NOT because my life is upside down or that I loathe all green foods outside of sushi rolls-it's simply just not reality and more importantly, I just hate self righteous folk(who most of the time are the biggest Skank/Slutts, on the low,anyways) My "basic" rules for life are:
1. Don't ever do shady shit on purpose(and if you do, ALWAYS own it and apologize)
2.Don't burn bridges over dumb shit
3.Suck,Never chew
4.Avoid boot cut jeans
5.White rimmed sunglasses are NEVER ok
6.Wash your hands as soon as you get home(and KEEP hand sanitizer on deck)
7.Don't say ANYTHING to your child that you wouldnt wanna hear them say back to you
8.Don't think away your emotions
9.NEVER question how you're gunna do something.God will NEVER give you more than you can handle(I'm living proof of that) just have faith that God WILL make a way(he always does) and don't be scared to trust him...u have to have faith and you can't have fear AND faith...pick one
10.Treat others the way you would want to be treated.....PERIOD.
.....so if you're looking for empowerment and "something deep"..please click away now..it's just my thoughts...just my thoughts (Hov's voice)
First thing's first: I created a blog,which I'm so proud of. Anyone who knows me, knows that for me, it's ALWAYS been easier for me to WRITE my feelings, as oppose to SPEAK them. And whats more, for me to actually EXPRESS my feelings in any way, to anyone OTHER than God, is HUGE, in itself.
Now to the "shoulda,coulda,woulda's: This blog should have been created 4 years ago....Pros: I was 20 years old,127 pounds,had so much MORE to say,so much more time to dedicate to it.and I was fucking FABULOUS. I slept 3 hours a night,did WHATEVER I wanted,SAID whatever I wanted,WHENEVER I wanted, It was all about me-me-me and I didnt make time for anyone who didn't act accordingly. I shopped,went out when I wanted to, had a huge circle of friends who were just as blissfully naive as I was,I ate whatever I wanted and maintained a 6-pack that (at the time) could give Ciara a run for her money,I could do cartwheels in heels and could run an 8-minute mile effortlessly.I didn't care about anything, or anyone(it wasnt as bad as it sounds, I promise)....in short, I was Kanye West circa 2009...a douchebag,if you will...much too selfish,jaded,and unfocused to do anything but self-destruct....5-4-3-2-1....BOOM (literally) I got knocked up....by my "High School Sweetheart" the man I planned to marry,ect.(what a douchebag HE turned out to be...smh) and in a matter of what seemed like milliseconds, I went from eyeliner to eyedrops, from nail files to nail clippers,from going out to staying in,from a size 0/1 to a size 4(or 5, depending on the brand). Life has CHANGED. I now share my C.O. Bigelow Lip Balm with a male,rambunctious mini-me.It's a happy marriage of BeBe and Bob The Builder......4 years in, and I would do it ALL over again. I've changed...boy have I changed, and I ADORE the woman I've become.She is strong,independent,caring,loving,understanding,nurturing,patient,and a M.I.L.F for SURE.The best part of my journey has been finding the medium between my FORMER self and my PRESENT self. I may not dance under flashing lights anymore, but I dance to Coldplay with my son in the kitchen. I may not go to clubs, but I have just as much fun at the park, I've given up late-nights for early-mornings and I can take a THOROUGH shower in 3 minutes flat. I've learned so much.
I guess the point of this specific post is just to say that there is no specific "formula" or "blueprint" for life, and the more you plan,the harder it will be to accept life, when things DONT go as planned. I didn't know EXACTLY how I wanted my life to be, BUT I had an idea.....and having a kid was NOWHERE on my agenda (I NEVER wanted to have kids) but a higher power had a plan that was different from what I thought things would have been. I've made a lot of bad decisions in my day, but, I think I've made a LOT more "RIGHT" decisions and I think that my life is reflective of that.
I'm not one of those people that will tell you to "go in order" or "eat all of your veggies"...and that's NOT because my life is upside down or that I loathe all green foods outside of sushi rolls-it's simply just not reality and more importantly, I just hate self righteous folk(who most of the time are the biggest Skank/Slutts, on the low,anyways) My "basic" rules for life are:
1. Don't ever do shady shit on purpose(and if you do, ALWAYS own it and apologize)
2.Don't burn bridges over dumb shit
3.Suck,Never chew
4.Avoid boot cut jeans
5.White rimmed sunglasses are NEVER ok
6.Wash your hands as soon as you get home(and KEEP hand sanitizer on deck)
7.Don't say ANYTHING to your child that you wouldnt wanna hear them say back to you
8.Don't think away your emotions
9.NEVER question how you're gunna do something.God will NEVER give you more than you can handle(I'm living proof of that) just have faith that God WILL make a way(he always does) and don't be scared to trust him...u have to have faith and you can't have fear AND faith...pick one
10.Treat others the way you would want to be treated.....PERIOD.
.....so if you're looking for empowerment and "something deep"..please click away now..it's just my thoughts...just my thoughts (Hov's voice)
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Once a Cheat, ALWAYS a Cheat??
As I was driving this morning, I was listening to Ryan Seacrest on the radio(DON'T judge me...lol) and a woman called into the station for some relationship advice. Apparently, she had been married for the past 9 years to a man she really loved,BUT also a man whom early on in the relationship had cheated on her.She was saying how she "forgave" him and how they had "gotten past it",BUT the same feeling that she had before(about his infidelity) had returned and she didnt know whether to investigate or just try to shake the feeling. She was kind of investigating, out of fear of what she "may" find, BUT it's such a nagging feeling that she doesn't think that she will be able to shake it.Ryan asked people to call in and give advice too the woman who was seeking advice and to give their personal thoughts on the old saying "Once a cheater,ALWAYS a cheater" It was so shocking to hear all of what people had to say(BOTH men and women) there were A LOT of men who chimmed in on this topic and said that YES,they DO feel like it's true "Once a cheater,ALWAYS a cheater" I was so surprised, but also VERY refreshed to hear MEN say it.Of corse,most of the female callers had the same opinion. MY personal belief is that just because a person (male OR female) cheat once, or even twice, does not necessarily mean that they will ALWAYS cheat. There is ALWAYS that 50/50 chance. I don't think a person should be written off just because they fucked up. I have had my experience with a cheating boyfriend who I loved and knew that regardless of what he may have done, he loved me too, so I tried to "get passed" it, and I convinced myself that I could forgive and forget. I can honestly say that I forgave him,but, I never FORGOT about it, and that was ultimately what did us in. I loved him, and I wanted to just forget the whole cheating thing ever happend but my heart couldn't and because I chose to stay with someone who had cheated on me, I feel like I became a person that I'm not/wasn't. I became VERY insecure,VERY suspicious,VERY skeptical of everything he told me......it just became a fucked up situation, because he had "broken us" and the "trust" that I thought we had built.I regret ever giving that situation a second chance because at the end of it all, the NEGATIVE outweighed the POSITIVE by a long shot. All in all, I think everyone is different (in BOTH sides of the equation) I don't it's fair to s ay that because a person made a "mistake" once, that he or she will continue to make that same mistake....BUT in a given situation, the person at the recieving end of the dishonesty has to make a choice. It's not impossible to get past infidelity, it just takes a VERY strong person to HONESTLY and whole-heartedly get pa st it and forgive. My position in this, is that now, if a guy cheats, it's a wrap. I'm no longer giving second chances and trying to forgive something that shouldn't have n=been done in the first place.Cheating is more than sex;it's a lie;a breach in contract;the breaking of trust, and THAT'S what I (and so many other people) can't get past. The fact that no matter how you cut the cake, you LIED to ME(someone who you claim to love and care about) for the likes of "her"(someone who you just want to bone) and didn't think anything of it. That's a hard pill to swallow. NO woman wants to feel like another woman is better for her man or that their man even THINKS about other women,let alone would lie to us just for a quickie with some bum-bitch. That's an irreversible blow to our ego that we will NEVER let you live down...that's just what it is. Moral to this post is that I,personally don't buy into the whole "Once a cheat,ALWAYS a cheat" mentality because people change and they also learn from their mistakes. Anyone you deal with,you are taking a chance of being cheated on....if and when it happens, YOU have to decide the next move....choose wisely;its VERY hard to bounce back to the way things were before,AFTER he's cheated. I've been there and done that,and based on THAT situation have decided that if I am ever cheated on again, I will not try to "fix" what has already been broken....it takes too much.But, to each his own, and if you feel like giving a second chance would be worth it,OR if you are not ready to give up on things, by all means, WORK THAT SHIT OUT, BUT also,recognize that since he or she has ALREADY cheated on you, the chances that he or she will do it again almost double. Love is a gamble....sometimes you just have to figure out who's worth betting on.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Hey ladies!
So, I saw this post on the lovely "Jo Make Me Blush" blog and thought it would be fun to do! Thanks doll ;) Please feel free to join with us and post this tag too!
1. Do you apply your foundation with a brush, sponge, or fingers?
It all depends on the TYPE of foundation/coverage I'm looking for ohat specific day.I use my foundation BRUSH when I have a lot of time to do my makeup/am going out. But on a day to day, I use disposable sponges. I only use them ONCE because they ARE sponges,afterall, and collect bacteria and germs which can mean MAJOR breakouts.
It all depends on the TYPE of foundation/coverage I'm looking for ohat specific day.I use my foundation BRUSH when I have a lot of time to do my makeup/am going out. But on a day to day, I use disposable sponges. I only use them ONCE because they ARE sponges,afterall, and collect bacteria and germs which can mean MAJOR breakouts.
2. Do you apply your eyeshadow from light to dark? or dark to light?
Typically, light to dark.
3. Do you prime your eyes?
I ALWAYS prime my eyes.I use Urban Decay Primer Potion,Too-Faced Eyeshadow insurance or NYX primer pot.
4. Concealer first, or after foundation?
I use it AFTER I apply my foundation.
Typically, light to dark.
3. Do you prime your eyes?
I ALWAYS prime my eyes.I use Urban Decay Primer Potion,Too-Faced Eyeshadow insurance or NYX primer pot.
4. Concealer first, or after foundation?
I use it AFTER I apply my foundation.
5. Go for manicures, or manicure yourself?
I def GO for them. I'm no good at stuff like that, AND I love to be pampered =0)
6. Exfoliate lips, face or both?
I've only exfoliated my face, never knew to exfoliate my lips...how do you even do that!?!?! lol
7. On average, how long does it take you to do your makeup?
I can do my basic makeup in 10 mins(brows,mascara,powder.blush)BUT if I'm doing EVERYTHING(shadow,contouring,ect) it takes 20-25
8. Do you wear makeup everyday and everywhere?
I usually wear makeup everyday and always go with a tinted moisturizer or powder if I choose to wear no makeup.
9. What release are you most excited about? (Makeup)
I'm excited about MAC'S "Tartan Tale" collection...the colors are super pigmented and compliment eachother sooooo well.
10. What's your weakness? Shoes, purses, clothes, jewelry, eyeshadow, lipstick or other?
ALL, plus plus plus!
11. Do you whiten your tan?
No need...lol
12. Wax eyebrows, or pluck?
I have always plucked my own, OR I get them waxed,from time to time.
13. What do you use to contour?
I use MAC'S "Format" blush in the summer when my skin is darker and in the winter, i use MAC'S "Blunt"
14. False lashes, or natural?
Natural. I've only worn falsies about 3 times in my entire life.
15. Favorite makeup brand?
Makeup Forever is sooooo amazing.
16. Liquid eyeliner, pencil or gel?
I Depends on the look. I "normally" use pencil,though
17. Lipstick, lipgloss or chapstick?
Can't pick just one...lol
18. Pigments, pressed or cream eyeshadow?
Pressed first, pigments second (messy but beautiful!), and cream last.
19. If you had to wear only one thing, excluding foundation; what would it be?
I would have to say mascara for me! I think lashes always add that special touch to a womans face! Bronzer or blush would be my second choice.
20. Favorite color?
PEACH!
21. Favorite color combination?
Depends
22. Natural? or Dramatic? (Eye Makeup)
Natural but I love a good "dramatic" smokey eye!
23. Do you care more for quality or name brand?
Of course quality!
23. Do you care more for quality or name brand?
Of course quality!
24. Do you enjoy using face masks? If so which ones
I do, however I haven't tried too many. When I do, it is usually a sample so I cannot answer this one accurately. I'm all about making them at home though..lol
25. What is your current addiction? (example: lipsticks, eyeshadows, earrings..)
Makeup is my addiction,in general. I don't always wear makeup (on my off days, Im often "bare faced") but I jsut L-O-V-E makeup. Right now, I'm addicted to learning how to flawlessly contour and highlight. I'm also trying to perfet the "no makeup" makeup look(think Nia Long) I'm just trying to perfect my craft an move forward with it, as much as I can!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Spilling the beans....well, SOME of them
10 Things I wish I could say to 10 People:
1.The "bitch" I am now is the "bitch" you made me....YOU did this,NOT me.
2. Regardless of how long I've known you or how much I love and care for you....YOU ARE NOT my friend.I'm actually VERY close to cutting you out of my life, completely. I love you, but the person I love now is the same person I loved back in High School. You are too much of the same person you were x amount of years ago and it hurts my heart that you are content with that.
3.I hope you're happy
4.You should've thought more about PREVENTION and not so much about a "solution" AFTER the fact....I've always told u that....
5. ......I still Love you,though
6.After we broke up(for the last time) I went through a phase of feeling like I "NEEDED" someone to complete me, or to validate my worth.Almost a year and a half now,of being single,your constant calls,texts,emails and invitations have done ALL the validating I need.....Thank You but NO Thank You =0)
7.I wish I could talk to you the way I talk to everyone else. I wish I could tell you how you make me feel and how you hurt my feelings. I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs at you to get my point across. I wish you would let me in, the way you've let HIM in, I wish I could shake you and make you realize what you have OUTSIDE of him. I wish you knew how hard I triy with you. I hope you know I mean it when I say I "got u" or that I have your back. I wish you would call me, like you used to. I wish we could go back in time and start over.I wish I could tell you EXACTLY how I feel and KNOW that you would still answer my calls. I hope you know that even though it isn't in the way I want,or as much as I want, I LOVE YOU.....even when I hate you (that's what hurts)
8.You're amazing
9. I think you know it, but I think ur an awesome person with potential as big as the sky....I know times are a little rough,BUT things will def look up for you,soon enough. No one ever said progress was a fast process. I'd bet my last dollar on you. I'm here if you need me.
10. You're not always right(in sum of the things you do) BUT, ur just right for me. I value our friendship more than you know.
10 Things about me:
1.I can be VERY guarded, BUT I'm also very open
2. I don't trust easily....if I trust you and you break that trust, you no longer exist to me.
3. I have a nervous laugh....it's bad lol
4.I am probably one of the very few people who actually practice the whole "Treat others the way you want to be treated" thingy. I eally live by this. I give to the homeless,Im honest with people,I would give the shirt off my back to anyone who needed it because I'm constantly thinking "what if that were me?!?!?! I would want someone to help ME out" and because of that way of thinking, I think I'm a pretty good person....I REALLY try to be.
5.The smallest things make me happy...I don't need all the extra stuff.
6. I notice EVERYTHING.....even if I don't speak up on certain things, I do notice them and am ALWAYS taking mental notes.
7.I'm VERY organized.....VERY. I'm very particular about how I like things.
8.I love to clean...don't know why but I feel sooooo good after I clean up
9.I can be dissociative....I choose which "me" people see. It's just more proof that....
10. ......I'm a control freak...lol. I just am. I think it's because all my life, up until I turned 18 and left home, my mom controlled EVERY aspect of my life, and I couldn't take it....it freaks me out when a guy tries to "take control" if he doesnt approach things the right way.
5. Things that run through my mind everyday:
1.Damn, I should've closed my window, before I fet for work
2.Sex
3.someone who shall remain nameless
4.If I had a bit LESS dignity, I'd have A LOT more money
5.What are me and Cam gunna do on my days off
4.Things im wearing right now:
1. My Marc Jacob necklace I got as a gift and am in love with
2. Head band
3. Imaginary underwear
4.Uggs
3 People I couldn't imagine life without
1.Cameron,obviously
2.My best friend
3. My family (I am NOT gunna name just one...lol)
3 songs I cant get enough of:
1.The only Exception-Paramore
2. Dreaming with a Broken Heart-John Mayer
3.By Your Side-Sade
4.The Point of it All-Anthony Hamilton (I had to add this song)
2 Things I want to do BEFORE I die:
1.See Cameron become a college grad,become a husband,become a father,ect
2.Re-locate to New York/Have hot,sweaty,kinky,unprotected sex with Kanyew west AND/OR Dwight Howard (stop looking at me like that)
1 Confession:
I have the biggest heart God ever created(aside from thos poor people who have tumors on their heart, but you know what Im saying) but I'm soulles. It's always been easier for me to NOT allow myself to get to the "giving a fuck" phase with ANYBODY. That way, if they're gone tomorrow, it isnt a big deal. I love and I love HARD and if I love you and you do something to comprimise that, I will abandon you like I never knew you.Cutting ties has never been hard for me, but Im trying to take a more "human" approach to it. Cutting ties is SUPPOSED to hurt...but not if you never gave a fuck,to begin with. Bottom line: Maybe I should start TRYING(one step at a time) to give a fuck.
1.The "bitch" I am now is the "bitch" you made me....YOU did this,NOT me.
2. Regardless of how long I've known you or how much I love and care for you....YOU ARE NOT my friend.I'm actually VERY close to cutting you out of my life, completely. I love you, but the person I love now is the same person I loved back in High School. You are too much of the same person you were x amount of years ago and it hurts my heart that you are content with that.
3.I hope you're happy
4.You should've thought more about PREVENTION and not so much about a "solution" AFTER the fact....I've always told u that....
5. ......I still Love you,though
6.After we broke up(for the last time) I went through a phase of feeling like I "NEEDED" someone to complete me, or to validate my worth.Almost a year and a half now,of being single,your constant calls,texts,emails and invitations have done ALL the validating I need.....Thank You but NO Thank You =0)
7.I wish I could talk to you the way I talk to everyone else. I wish I could tell you how you make me feel and how you hurt my feelings. I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs at you to get my point across. I wish you would let me in, the way you've let HIM in, I wish I could shake you and make you realize what you have OUTSIDE of him. I wish you knew how hard I triy with you. I hope you know I mean it when I say I "got u" or that I have your back. I wish you would call me, like you used to. I wish we could go back in time and start over.I wish I could tell you EXACTLY how I feel and KNOW that you would still answer my calls. I hope you know that even though it isn't in the way I want,or as much as I want, I LOVE YOU.....even when I hate you (that's what hurts)
8.You're amazing
9. I think you know it, but I think ur an awesome person with potential as big as the sky....I know times are a little rough,BUT things will def look up for you,soon enough. No one ever said progress was a fast process. I'd bet my last dollar on you. I'm here if you need me.
10. You're not always right(in sum of the things you do) BUT, ur just right for me. I value our friendship more than you know.
10 Things about me:
1.I can be VERY guarded, BUT I'm also very open
2. I don't trust easily....if I trust you and you break that trust, you no longer exist to me.
3. I have a nervous laugh....it's bad lol
4.I am probably one of the very few people who actually practice the whole "Treat others the way you want to be treated" thingy. I eally live by this. I give to the homeless,Im honest with people,I would give the shirt off my back to anyone who needed it because I'm constantly thinking "what if that were me?!?!?! I would want someone to help ME out" and because of that way of thinking, I think I'm a pretty good person....I REALLY try to be.
5.The smallest things make me happy...I don't need all the extra stuff.
6. I notice EVERYTHING.....even if I don't speak up on certain things, I do notice them and am ALWAYS taking mental notes.
7.I'm VERY organized.....VERY. I'm very particular about how I like things.
8.I love to clean...don't know why but I feel sooooo good after I clean up
9.I can be dissociative....I choose which "me" people see. It's just more proof that....
10. ......I'm a control freak...lol. I just am. I think it's because all my life, up until I turned 18 and left home, my mom controlled EVERY aspect of my life, and I couldn't take it....it freaks me out when a guy tries to "take control" if he doesnt approach things the right way.
5. Things that run through my mind everyday:
1.Damn, I should've closed my window, before I fet for work
2.Sex
3.someone who shall remain nameless
4.If I had a bit LESS dignity, I'd have A LOT more money
5.What are me and Cam gunna do on my days off
4.Things im wearing right now:
1. My Marc Jacob necklace I got as a gift and am in love with
2. Head band
3. Imaginary underwear
4.Uggs
3 People I couldn't imagine life without
1.Cameron,obviously
2.My best friend
3. My family (I am NOT gunna name just one...lol)
3 songs I cant get enough of:
1.The only Exception-Paramore
2. Dreaming with a Broken Heart-John Mayer
3.By Your Side-Sade
4.The Point of it All-Anthony Hamilton (I had to add this song)
2 Things I want to do BEFORE I die:
1.See Cameron become a college grad,become a husband,become a father,ect
2.Re-locate to New York/Have hot,sweaty,kinky,unprotected sex with Kanyew west AND/OR Dwight Howard (stop looking at me like that)
1 Confession:
I have the biggest heart God ever created(aside from thos poor people who have tumors on their heart, but you know what Im saying) but I'm soulles. It's always been easier for me to NOT allow myself to get to the "giving a fuck" phase with ANYBODY. That way, if they're gone tomorrow, it isnt a big deal. I love and I love HARD and if I love you and you do something to comprimise that, I will abandon you like I never knew you.Cutting ties has never been hard for me, but Im trying to take a more "human" approach to it. Cutting ties is SUPPOSED to hurt...but not if you never gave a fuck,to begin with. Bottom line: Maybe I should start TRYING(one step at a time) to give a fuck.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
