Focusing on Staying Focused

So, it's 2011, I will be 25 this year(Ugh, I can't cope....),my son will be 5, and on my list of accomplishments, I draw a blank. This saddens me, so. It's weird because by the time I was 18 and left home, I had an idea of what my life would "end up" being like.....what my life turned out to be is the polar opposite.

I was a lot like Joan from Girlfriends.....By 30 I wanted to be finished with school,pursuing a successful career,married(or engaged),child-less, and HAPPY. Yeah, that was my plan....but LIFE happend. Im not going to go into detail about what "went wrong" or anything.....instead, I will just "RE-WRITE" my plan, and this time, I'll be sure to include reality.

My plans are a lot of what they were when I was that 18 year old girl, in my room "planning" my life BEFORE I left home, thinking that because I was "planning" before acting, the chips would fall in the right order.

*School. I've decided to go back. What's kept me from going back sooner, was a combination of being unsure of what I wanted to go to school FOR,not having time to go(my son wasn't in school),and my second guessing myself(as I ALWAYS do). I've decided that I want to WRITE.Writing has ALWAYS been my "escape". I write everything. I LOVE words, so I'm going to do something with that love. I want to be a journalist,an editor,SOMETHING. I'm just ready to move forward with school and get it OVER with.

*Work. I'm going to find another job A-S-A-P.I like my job and I adore the people that I work with, BUT with every passing day, I see/FEEL myself getting too comfortable in this job, which realistically is a dead-end job. I was going to use my vacation time up(I'm supposed to go to Baltimore and New York in June) and THEN seek other employment, but why wait?? I feel like my "Vacation" EXCUSE is just a way for me to buy time....Im not doing it. I'm still planning my vacay, BUT I'm also going to be ACTIVELY seeking other employment. If I find a job then my vacay is obviously out and if I don't, I'll still take my vacay,all the while,job-hunting

*Life. I'm ALWAYS striving to be a better person. I just feel like there are more than enough douche bags in the world,without me adding to. I just live by the code:"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" it's that simple. I know it's easier said than done, and you might ask "what do you do when you're dealing with an asshole?" my answer is"I don't". I surround myself with an awesome crowd. I don't deal with negative people(on purpose). All in All, I think I'm a pretty good person. I'm honest(sometimes brutally),I'm open and accepting,Im caring and nurturing by nature, I actually give a shit about people. I pray for my friends and family, I give my tithes and offerings EVERY week(I cant go to church because I get off sunday mornings and dont wanna fall asleep in church...go ahead, judge me),ect. I think Im "good" but I want to be better. Nothing wrong with a daily upgrade

*Diet. So I decided to stop stressing over my weight. I've ALSO decided to TRY to become a vegetarian and work out at least 3 times a week.I'm not doing either to lose weight(well, maybe the working out....I mean, who just works out for fun?!?!)I'm finally learning to accept what I see in the mirror. My weight IS something that haunts me,though and it isn't the easiest thing to transition from being really skinny and able to eat whatever I wanted and NOT gain weight to feeling like I have to watch everything that I eat. I NEVER say anything when I'm eating with/around friends, but what I eat/how MUCH I eat is ALWAYS in the back of my mind, because I know that I can't eat what I want,anymore. It's hard and no one gets it because to them I look "fine". It's a struggle. Im going to do my part and let the chips fall where they may. God gave me this body and I'm stuck with it,whether I want to be or not....it's about time I start embracing it and finding comfort in everyone else liking what they see,when they look at me.

*Life in General. I plan on "changing" a bit. I plan to be more open, live in the moment,stop over thinking things,I plan on traveling,taking more "me" time. I plan to be OUT of California by the time I'm 27. I don't know WHERE I will end up, but it will not be in California. I want my son to experience life outside of Los Angeles,which is ALL he knows, so far. I'm over Cali...it's over populated,over priced,and over rated. I'm DONE. I'm gunna start thinking of what state I want to move to. 2 Years is not very long to plan your life in another state, but I shall Try

*Relationships. I'm SINGLE and have been for almost a year and a half (YIKES!) and I've convinced myself that I was content with loneliness because I knew that for a little bit of that time, I was still partially emotionally invested in my ex. I wanted nothing with/from him but I still had feelings that hadn't ended with the relationship. I chose to completely cut him out of my life; not respond to texts,calls,emails,act so that I could get over that situation. Mission:Accomplished.Even still, when he and I first broke up, I dated....A LOT, and when I finally accepted WHY I was going out so much with different guys that I had ZERO interest in, I stopped dating.The thing is, I know myself and if I do something out of the norm, I question MYSELF before anyone else can. I've been single and happy for the most part. I def have my days where Im like, "fuck this shit" and consider a relationship but I don't know that Im ready for one,OR if it's REALLY what I want. I think more than anything, Im turning into a man....I want "nigga shit"; someone to go out with when I feel like going out,someone to bone whenever I want on some NSA shit,someone to cuddle up with at night(not so nigga-like,but still..lol) I just want somebody when I WANT somebody.I don't want the emotional obligation that comes along with a RELATIONSHIP. I wanna fall asleep on the phone, "good morning" texts,date nights,good sex,ect. I want every part of a RELATIONSHIP, WITHOUT the commitment.

All in All, I think my plans are VERY realistic and very achievable. Ain't nothin' to it but to do it, and that is my plan. Im gunna really stick to the script and make shit happends. My son is getting older and older and when someone asks him what his mommy does for a living, I want him to be proud of his answer. I don't just live for myself, I have a set of little(and perfectly symetrical) eyes watching and learning from me EVERYDAY. Being a "Good Mom" is a HUGE task that I don't take lightly. God will never give me more than I can handle and I take comfort in that.