2010....in Retrospect

In 2010, I cried,I laughed,I fell down & got back up,I loved and almost hated,I messed up & made a mends,I took people for granted & appreciated,I gave & I lost,I made some of the BEST and hardest decisions I've ever had to, I've held on to people & let go of others 2010 has been one of the best years of my life. I've grown so much in this year and can HONESTLY say I have no regrets. This was a year of me "going with the flow of things" instead of over thinking things. I've been VERY blessed, and I have NO regrets for this year. I appreciate every tear I shed, for every time I felt like giving up and didn't, for every morning I didn't feel like getting out of bed but DID,for every time I chose to take the high road and be the "bigger" person,for moving forward with my makeup thing,forspeaking up for myself,for having fun,for being accepting,for striving to be the best example for my son,for saving face and staying strond,for every time I laughed and every time I cried.....I'M GRATEFUL. I decided NOT to come up with a list of New Year's resolutions. Instead of a LIST, I have just one: To follow my heart. In ANY and EVERY situation, FOLLOW MY HEART.If it feels right,do it......PERIOD. I tend to OVER think things, and sometimes my THINKING over shadows my FEELINGS. I literally think away my feelings/emotions on a lot of things/in a lot of situations.I'm a "thinker" and if something doesn't make sense "on paper" I go othe other way, instead of taking a chance. I will be 25 in a matter of months....it's time to start living(like REALLY living),having fun,living in the moment/FOR the moment(not all the time though, cus that shit can get crazy...see?I'm thinking,again...lol/smh) taking chances,ect. I'm ready to L-I-V-E. I have a lot of things planned for next year/ a LOT of hopes. I'm excited to see what this year will bring, in EVERY aspect of my life....there are some minor details in my life I DO plan on changing, but we shall see. Thank You 2010 for showing me so much love and making so many things happen to/for me.I'm grateful and I know 2011 will be EPIC.
Cheers to 2010 & Big Ups to 2011

-J Bellz

REALITY check....Please

Okay, so I want to discuss the ability/INability to seperate LOGIC from EMOTION.Some people are walking through life CONFUSED. SOME people seem to think that BONING someone is the equivalent to being in a RELATIONSHIP.

MOST of these confused-ass people are females. I'm sooo NOT saying that men DON'T do it,but women are definitely far more guilty of it due to our emotional nature...I THINK that's why,at least.But, let me break a few things down that I've seen/heard/LEARNED over the years.

First, I wanna address the "fuck buddy"/friends with "benefits" issue first. Okay...having sex and hanging out with a man occasionally doesn't mean he's your "boyfriend" or that you are his "girlfriend" nor are you entitled to any boyfriend/girlfriend treatment. A relationship only exists when BOTH parties involved have a mutual understanding/agreement that that's what they BOTH want/have. If you're allowing a guy an all access pass to your lady parts,you have to set the standard of what you're gunna accept from him/know what you're dealing with.IF you're perfectly fine with giving a man who is NOT YOUR man,a free coupon to your all you can eat buffet,so be it(please use protection though, who know's who else he's dealing with)If you have allowed your emotions to get involved, you might(definitely) want to make sure, he's on the same page as you.

Another thing: If there is never an agreement reached that you guys are in a relationship,it's NOT a relationship! Regardless of how long he's been smashing you,no matter how many pairs of j's you've bought him,ect. THAT man is NOT YOUR man. Soooooo, you DON'T have the right to:
1.Question him regarding his whereabouts
2.get mad at him for not answering his phone/returning your calls in a timely manner
3.accuse him of "cheating" on you...lol
4.be upset if/when he flirts with,or even BONES some other chick
5. expect him to care about your feelings if you find out about it

Those ar just a few, but I'm sure you get my point.Don't just ASSUME your role in a man's life,step paway from your emotions and analyze the situation-KNOW(NOT assume) where you stand! Once you know that,either get comfortable in THAT position and sit down and take your seat,or walk away and find someone who gives a damn about your vagina AND your feelings and is willing to give you want and deserve.If you ever feel like a man is "playing" you and you feel the urge to call him an asshole or whatever,ask yourself if you allowed any of it by continuing to deal with him and his "asshole" behavior.If you have, then you need to point the finger at YOURSELF-you're the asshole for accepting less than your worth when deep inside you knew better(we ALWAYS know better...smh)Just because a man isn't ready to settle down doesn't make him an asshole.Now if he lied to you or misled you, than YES, he's an asshole(unless he did it more than once-you should be on your toes at that point).But if you saw red flags and ignored them any ways,YOU are the one to blame.Most of the time, a female will get mad at a guy for "doing them wrong" because their feelings are hurt,so instinctively, they(we) just get upset. But maybe she should pump her brakes,recall his "track" record,remember her title/place and realize that the person she needs to be upset with is herself. I know this situation all too well. In my last relationship, my bf at the time, put me through a LOT of shit. We were CONSTANTLY into it about "this bitch" or "that bitch" or why he lied about this or that,ect. So one day, I was just fed up and i "Broke up with him". I used the quotes, because I didnt really break up with him as in REALLY ending things, I simply said to him"I don't wanna do this anymore....I CANT do this anymore, so I'm not.....DO YOU"..... we had sex twice that night(lol) and the next day, I got a call from a friend, saying she saw him at "OUR" movie theatre with some breezy. I call him...VOICEMAIL. I get a text right after I called him saying "I'm at the group home(he worked at a group home), talking to my supervisor, I'll call you when he leaves" I was LIVID, I was seeing red. I could not wait to "bust him out" An hour later, he calls. I don't answer. He calls again, I don't answer. So he keeps calling and I didnt answer...I couldnt answer, what I needed to say needed to be said in person,face to face. He comes home, yelling at me about not answering MY fucking phone(nigga what??) so I ask him,FLAT out "Who were you at the movies with" he lied about the whole thing and I go OFF. I'm telling him how I dont deserve that, how I can do so much better, how I cant believe he would do that to me and make me look stupid in front of my friends,ect. Then, as I was yelling, he grabbed me and looked me straight in the eye and yelled "But, Im not your boyfreeeeeeiiiiiiinnnnnnddddddd!!!" he said some other shit about how I broke up with him, blah,blah,bla. But "I'm not your boyfriend" was all I heard and those words cut like a knife. I felt so dumb. I had said it was over, before I REALLY wanted it to be and I confused my fucking him that night with us getting back together....I played MYSELF.

Sex is a BIG thing for (most) females, and that's why when we bone someone, we feel like we're giving them the world....we're giving OUR world. I'm not built for a flat out "fuck buddy" situation. I'm very picky about who I give my goods to, and I know my goods are far too good to be given without a commitment. My motto is and has always been: If I fuck u, I OWN you...lol. It's that simple...lol

Sex is such a big thing to females, but a lot of them use no discression as to who they give their goods too, and a lot of them feel like they can change a man THROUGH sex, you may change him while he's in it, but a man is going to be a man,regardless. If a female enables a man to be an "asshole" by constantly forgiving him or choosing to look past certain things,that's HER fault.You can call him trifling or you can call yourself a fool,but which one REALLY makes sense? Okay then.

The bottom line is if you're NOT his "girlfriend" then don't expect much in terms of respect or common courtesy. You simply aren't entitled to those things if the main purpose you serve in his life is to be a warm and cozy place for him to park his dick in, from time to time, whenever he HAS time/feels like it.Bottom line: There are far too many fich in the sea for ANY woman to settle for anything less than what she is worth/desires. If all YOU want is a fuckbuddy, do YOU, by all means, but if you want something meaningful, keep your legs closed until you have an agreement. Not saying that by NOT giving up the goods, will higher ur chances of having a REAL relationship(well, I guess I kinda AM saying that...lol) but at leass, at the end of the day, you won't be left high and dry(and having to add another name to your list of sex partners) because you gave in,BEFORE any level of respect was established. I'm just saying....you may agree with me 110% OR you may be in denial and are against EVERYTHING I'm saying.....either way, by all means, DO YOU!

Allow me to RE-introduce myself...

So, the year is almost at it's end and there are some things that I want to share/get off of my chest(and into the atmosphere). Nothing too juicy, just a little more of myself(wait, but I AM quite juicy...never mind....Different post)This is Part 1 of a 3-Part post that I want to do,To kind of, give you a better understanding of ME. I get people who tell me ALL the time how "strong" I am. I AM strong, but I wasn't always like this There are MANY things that I feel have contributed to my strength,ESPECIALLY this year.

First thing's first: I created a blog,which I'm so proud of. Anyone who knows me, knows that for me, it's ALWAYS been easier for me to WRITE my feelings, as oppose to SPEAK them. And whats more, for me to actually EXPRESS my feelings in any way, to anyone OTHER than God, is HUGE, in itself.

Now to the "shoulda,coulda,woulda's: This blog should have been created 4 years ago....Pros: I was 20 years old,127 pounds,had so much MORE to say,so much more time to dedicate to it.and I was fucking FABULOUS. I slept 3 hours a night,did WHATEVER I wanted,SAID whatever I wanted,WHENEVER I wanted, It was all about me-me-me and I didnt make time for anyone who didn't act accordingly. I shopped,went out when I wanted to, had a huge circle of friends who were just as blissfully naive as I was,I ate whatever I wanted and maintained a 6-pack that (at the time) could give Ciara a run for her money,I could do cartwheels in heels and could run an 8-minute mile effortlessly.I didn't care about anything, or anyone(it wasnt as bad as it sounds, I promise)....in short, I was Kanye West circa 2009...a douchebag,if you will...much too selfish,jaded,and unfocused to do anything but self-destruct....5-4-3-2-1....BOOM (literally) I got knocked up....by my "High School Sweetheart" the man I planned to marry,ect.(what a douchebag HE turned out to be...smh) and in a matter of what seemed like milliseconds, I went from eyeliner to eyedrops, from nail files to nail clippers,from going out to staying in,from a size 0/1 to a size 4(or 5, depending on the brand). Life has CHANGED. I now share my C.O. Bigelow Lip Balm with a male,rambunctious mini-me.It's a happy marriage of BeBe and Bob The Builder......4 years in, and I would do it ALL over again. I've changed...boy have I changed, and I ADORE the woman I've become.She is strong,independent,caring,loving,understanding,nurturing,patient,and a M.I.L.F for SURE.The best part of my journey has been finding the medium between my FORMER self and my PRESENT self. I may not dance under flashing lights anymore, but I dance to Coldplay with my son in the kitchen. I may not go to clubs, but I have just as much fun at the park, I've given up late-nights for early-mornings and I can take a THOROUGH shower in 3 minutes flat. I've learned so much.

I guess the point of this specific post is just to say that there is no specific "formula" or "blueprint" for life, and the more you plan,the harder it will be to accept life, when things DONT go as planned. I didn't know EXACTLY how I wanted my life to be, BUT I had an idea.....and having a kid was NOWHERE on my agenda (I NEVER wanted to have kids) but a higher power had a plan that was different from what I thought things would have been. I've made a lot of bad decisions in my day, but, I think I've made a LOT more "RIGHT" decisions and I think that my life is reflective of that.

I'm not one of those people that will tell you to "go in order" or "eat all of your veggies"...and that's NOT because my life is upside down or that I loathe all green foods outside of sushi rolls-it's simply just not reality and more importantly, I just hate self righteous folk(who most of the time are the biggest Skank/Slutts, on the low,anyways) My "basic" rules for life are:

1. Don't ever do shady shit on purpose(and if you do, ALWAYS own it and apologize)
2.Don't burn bridges over dumb shit
3.Suck,Never chew
4.Avoid boot cut jeans
5.White rimmed sunglasses are NEVER ok
6.Wash your hands as soon as you get home(and KEEP hand sanitizer on deck)
7.Don't say ANYTHING to your child that you wouldnt wanna hear them say back to you
8.Don't think away your emotions
9.NEVER question how you're gunna do something.God will NEVER give you more than you can handle(I'm living proof of that) just have faith that God WILL make a way(he always does) and don't be scared to trust him...u have to have faith and you can't have fear AND faith...pick one
10.Treat others the way you would want to be treated.....PERIOD.

.....so if you're looking for empowerment and "something deep"..please click away now..it's just my thoughts...just my thoughts (Hov's voice)

Once a Cheat, ALWAYS a Cheat??

As I was driving this morning, I was listening to Ryan Seacrest on the radio(DON'T judge me...lol) and a woman called into the station for some relationship advice. Apparently, she had been married for the past 9 years to a man she really loved,BUT also a man whom early on in the relationship had cheated on her.She was saying how she "forgave" him and how they had "gotten past it",BUT the same feeling that she had before(about his infidelity) had returned and she didnt know whether to investigate or just try to shake the feeling. She was kind of investigating, out of fear of what she "may" find, BUT it's such a nagging feeling that she doesn't think that she will be able to shake it.Ryan asked people to call in and give advice too the woman who was seeking advice and to give their personal thoughts on the old saying "Once a cheater,ALWAYS a cheater" It was so shocking to hear all of what people had to say(BOTH men and women) there were A LOT of men who chimmed in on this topic and said that YES,they DO feel like it's true "Once a cheater,ALWAYS a cheater" I was so surprised, but also VERY refreshed to hear MEN say it.Of corse,most of the female callers had the same opinion. MY personal belief is that just because a person (male OR female) cheat once, or even twice, does not necessarily mean that they will ALWAYS cheat. There is ALWAYS that 50/50 chance. I don't think a person should be written off just because they fucked up. I have had my experience with a cheating boyfriend who I loved and knew that regardless of what he may have done, he loved me too, so I tried to "get passed" it, and I convinced myself that I could forgive and forget. I can honestly say that I forgave him,but, I never FORGOT about it, and that was ultimately what did us in. I loved him, and I wanted to just forget the whole cheating thing ever happend but my heart couldn't and because I chose to stay with someone who had cheated on me, I feel like I became a person that I'm not/wasn't. I became VERY insecure,VERY suspicious,VERY skeptical of everything he told me......it just became a fucked up situation, because he had "broken us" and the "trust" that I thought we had built.I regret ever giving that situation a second chance because at the end of it all, the NEGATIVE outweighed the POSITIVE by a long shot. All in all, I think everyone is different (in BOTH sides of the equation) I don't it's fair to s ay that because a person made a "mistake" once, that he or she will continue to make that same mistake....BUT in a given situation, the person at the recieving end of the dishonesty has to make a choice. It's not impossible to get past infidelity, it just takes a VERY strong person to HONESTLY and whole-heartedly get pa st it and forgive. My position in this, is that now, if a guy cheats, it's a wrap. I'm no longer giving second chances and trying to forgive something that shouldn't have n=been done in the first place.Cheating is more than sex;it's a lie;a breach in contract;the breaking of trust, and THAT'S what I (and so many other people) can't get past. The fact that no matter how you cut the cake, you LIED to ME(someone who you claim to love and care about) for the likes of "her"(someone who you just want to bone) and didn't think anything of it. That's a hard pill to swallow. NO woman wants to feel like another woman is better for her man or that their man even THINKS about other women,let alone would lie to us just for a quickie with some bum-bitch. That's an irreversible blow to our ego that we will NEVER let you live down...that's just what it is. Moral to this post is that I,personally don't buy into the whole "Once a cheat,ALWAYS a cheat" mentality because people change and they also learn from their mistakes. Anyone you deal with,you are taking a chance of being cheated on....if and when it happens, YOU have to decide the next move....choose wisely;its VERY hard to bounce back to the way things were before,AFTER he's cheated. I've been there and done that,and based on THAT situation have decided that if I am ever cheated on again, I will not try to "fix" what has already been broken....it takes too much.But, to each his own, and if you feel like giving a second chance would be worth it,OR if you are not ready to give up on things, by all means, WORK THAT SHIT OUT, BUT also,recognize that since he or she has ALREADY cheated on you, the chances that he or she will do it again almost double. Love is a gamble....sometimes you just have to figure out who's worth betting on.

Hey ladies!

So, I saw this post on the lovely "Jo Make Me Blush" blog and thought it would be fun to do! Thanks doll ;) Please feel free to join with us and post this tag too!

1. Do you apply your foundation with a brush, sponge, or fingers?
It all depends on the TYPE of foundation/coverage I'm looking for ohat specific day.I use my foundation BRUSH when I have a lot of time to do my makeup/am going out. But on a day to day, I use disposable sponges. I only use them ONCE because they ARE sponges,afterall, and collect bacteria and germs which can mean MAJOR breakouts.

2. Do you apply your eyeshadow from light to dark? or dark to light?
Typically, light to dark.

3. Do you prime your eyes?
I ALWAYS prime my eyes.I use Urban Decay Primer Potion,Too-Faced Eyeshadow insurance or NYX primer pot.

4. Concealer first, or after foundation?
I use it AFTER I apply my foundation.

5. Go for manicures, or manicure yourself?
I def GO for them. I'm no good at stuff like that, AND I love to be pampered =0)
6. Exfoliate lips, face or both?
I've only exfoliated my face, never knew to exfoliate my lips...how do you even do that!?!?! lol
7. On average, how long does it take you to do your makeup?
I can do my basic makeup in 10 mins(brows,mascara,powder.blush)BUT if I'm doing EVERYTHING(shadow,contouring,ect) it takes 20-25

8. Do you wear makeup everyday and everywhere?
I usually wear makeup everyday and always go with a tinted moisturizer or powder if I choose to wear no makeup.

9. What release are you most excited about? (Makeup)
I'm excited about MAC'S "Tartan Tale" collection...the colors are super pigmented and compliment eachother sooooo well.

10. What's your weakness? Shoes, purses, clothes, jewelry, eyeshadow, lipstick or other?
ALL, plus plus plus!

11. Do you whiten your tan?
No need...lol

12. Wax eyebrows, or pluck?
I have always plucked my own, OR I get them waxed,from time to time.

13. What do you use to contour?
I use MAC'S "Format" blush in the summer when my skin is darker and in the winter, i use MAC'S "Blunt"
14. False lashes, or natural?
Natural. I've only worn falsies about 3 times in my entire life.

15. Favorite makeup brand?
Makeup Forever is sooooo amazing.

16. Liquid eyeliner, pencil or gel?
I Depends on the look. I "normally" use pencil,though

17. Lipstick, lipgloss or chapstick?
Can't pick just one...lol

18. Pigments, pressed or cream eyeshadow?
Pressed first, pigments second (messy but beautiful!), and cream last.

19. If you had to wear only one thing, excluding foundation; what would it be?
I would have to say mascara for me! I think lashes always add that special touch to a womans face! Bronzer or blush would be my second choice.

20. Favorite color?
PEACH!

21. Favorite color combination?
Depends

22. Natural? or Dramatic? (Eye Makeup)

Natural but I love a good "dramatic" smokey eye!

23. Do you care more for quality or name brand?
Of course quality!

24. Do you enjoy using face masks? If so which ones
I do, however I haven't tried too many. When I do, it is usually a sample so I cannot answer this one accurately. I'm all about making them at home though..lol

25. What is your current addiction? (example: lipsticks, eyeshadows, earrings..)
Makeup is my addiction,in general. I don't always wear makeup (on my off days, Im often "bare faced") but I jsut L-O-V-E makeup. Right now, I'm addicted to learning how to flawlessly contour and highlight. I'm also trying to perfet the "no makeup" makeup look(think Nia Long) I'm just trying to perfect my craft an move forward with it, as much as I can!

I feel good.

Spilling the beans....well, SOME of them

10 Things I wish I could say to 10 People:

1.The "bitch" I am now is the "bitch" you made me....YOU did this,NOT me.

2. Regardless of how long I've known you or how much I love and care for you....YOU ARE NOT my friend.I'm actually VERY close to cutting you out of my life, completely. I love you, but the person I love now is the same person I loved back in High School. You are too much of the same person you were x amount of years ago and it hurts my heart that you are content with that.

3.I hope you're happy

4.You should've thought more about PREVENTION and not so much about a "solution" AFTER the fact....I've always told u that....

5. ......I still Love you,though

6.After we broke up(for the last time) I went through a phase of feeling like I "NEEDED" someone to complete me, or to validate my worth.Almost a year and a half now,of being single,your constant calls,texts,emails and invitations have done ALL the validating I need.....Thank You but NO Thank You =0)

7.I wish I could talk to you the way I talk to everyone else. I wish I could tell you how you make me feel and how you hurt my feelings. I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs at you to get my point across. I wish you would let me in, the way you've let HIM in, I wish I could shake you and make you realize what you have OUTSIDE of him. I wish you knew how hard I triy with you. I hope you know I mean it when I say I "got u" or that I have your back. I wish you would call me, like you used to. I wish we could go back in time and start over.I wish I could tell you EXACTLY how I feel and KNOW that you would still answer my calls. I hope you know that even though it isn't in the way I want,or as much as I want, I LOVE YOU.....even when I hate you (that's what hurts)

8.You're amazing

9. I think you know it, but I think ur an awesome person with potential as big as the sky....I know times are a little rough,BUT things will def look up for you,soon enough. No one ever said progress was a fast process. I'd bet my last dollar on you. I'm here if you need me.

10. You're not always right(in sum of the things you do) BUT, ur just right for me. I value our friendship more than you know.

10 Things about me:

1.I can be VERY guarded, BUT I'm also very open

2. I don't trust easily....if I trust you and you break that trust, you no longer exist to me.

3. I have a nervous laugh....it's bad lol

4.I am probably one of the very few people who actually practice the whole "Treat others the way you want to be treated" thingy. I eally live by this. I give to the homeless,Im honest with people,I would give the shirt off my back to anyone who needed it because I'm constantly thinking "what if that were me?!?!?! I would want someone to help ME out" and because of that way of thinking, I think I'm a pretty good person....I REALLY try to be.

5.The smallest things make me happy...I don't need all the extra stuff.

6. I notice EVERYTHING.....even if I don't speak up on certain things, I do notice them and am ALWAYS taking mental notes.

7.I'm VERY organized.....VERY. I'm very particular about how I like things.

8.I love to clean...don't know why but I feel sooooo good after I clean up

9.I can be dissociative....I choose which "me" people see. It's just more proof that....

10. ......I'm a control freak...lol. I just am. I think it's because all my life, up until I turned 18 and left home, my mom controlled EVERY aspect of my life, and I couldn't take it....it freaks me out when a guy tries to "take control" if he doesnt approach things the right way.

5. Things that run through my mind everyday:

1.Damn, I should've closed my window, before I fet for work

2.Sex

3.someone who shall remain nameless

4.If I had a bit LESS dignity, I'd have A LOT more money

5.What are me and Cam gunna do on my days off

4.Things im wearing right now:

1. My Marc Jacob necklace I got as a gift and am in love with

2. Head band

3. Imaginary underwear

4.Uggs

3 People I couldn't imagine life without

1.Cameron,obviously

2.My best friend

3. My family (I am NOT gunna name just one...lol)

3 songs I cant get enough of:

1.The only Exception-Paramore

2. Dreaming with a Broken Heart-John Mayer

3.By Your Side-Sade

4.The Point of it All-Anthony Hamilton (I had to add this song)

2 Things I want to do BEFORE I die:

1.See Cameron become a college grad,become a husband,become a father,ect

2.Re-locate to New York/Have hot,sweaty,kinky,unprotected sex with Kanyew west AND/OR Dwight Howard (stop looking at me like that)

1 Confession:
I have the biggest heart God ever created(aside from thos poor people who have tumors on their heart, but you know what Im saying) but I'm soulles. It's always been easier for me to NOT allow myself to get to the "giving a fuck" phase with ANYBODY. That way, if they're gone tomorrow, it isnt a big deal. I love and I love HARD and if I love you and you do something to comprimise that, I will abandon you like I never knew you.Cutting ties has never been hard for me, but Im trying to take a more "human" approach to it. Cutting ties is SUPPOSED to hurt...but not if you never gave a fuck,to begin with. Bottom line: Maybe I should start TRYING(one step at a time) to give a fuck.